Thursday, May 21, 2009

Home Bittersweet Home...

As I type this post, I am sitting at my parent's kitchen table back home in Atlanta, the same table we spent so many hours pouring over all the cards of condolences when Victoria died. I am discovering that the tears flow more freely when I am here and my heart is heavy. This is where we all lived together, and last night Alex and I slept side by side in Victoria's old bed. Ava even joined us early (a little too early!) this morning.

I always look forward to coming home because I miss my family dearly, but it never fails that the tears start to fall during the drive before I even get here. Ohhh I just miss her. And yet, Victoria comforts me like no other sister can: I had about an hour left on my drive home yesterday, and I just started sobbing. My Zune decided to play "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I almost changed it feeling the lump in my throat begin to form, but I didn't. I decided to let the tears come. Within about 20 minutes of this happening, I saw not one, not two, but 3 YELLOW JEEPS in a row- all within about 5 miles! Oh victoria, I said out loud as a most welcomed smile came across my face, and I felt her love and God's love all around me.

You know, when I started this blog, I wasn't really sure of it's purpose, but I figured I would mainly just update every once in a while about our little family in Franklin, but I am finding that this is the place I turn to after talking to Bobby and my family to share my thoughts, feelings, and hard moments about missing my sister. Funny thing is that I feel like a recurring theme is her darn Jeep! I guess I talk about it alot because it is so surreal to me that I see one every day, and I am realizing more and more each day that it is God's special way of consoling me that Victoria is with Him.

Thank you Lord for continuing to shower my family and I with your delicate and tender love. Victoria has been gone from us for almost 5 months, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how intimately you know our hearts for you comfort me at the exact moments when I need You most. Thank you, thank you for letting it be Aunt MaryBeth on the phone just now when she called and not a salesperson, because there was no denying in my voice that I had been crying and she was just the person I needed to share that difficult moment of grieving with. Lord help me to return the love you have given me with a greater love for others and a generous heart so to serve and comfort them in the same way that they have comforted me.


amy said...

OH sweet friend, your words are wonderful. we are praying for and your growing family along with the family in atlanta.

I miss checking blogs with you at work

Anonymous said...

God Bless You for sharing your journey in a way that not only helps you to heal but that leads us ALL closer to Christ. It is an amazing testimony to see that deep pain and suffering can lead all closer to HIM. The beauty of Victoria's life is echoed in your words, in your love of her and of GOD, and in the on-going testimonies to her LIFE! We pray you enjoy these next few weeks until you ALL welcome this new life...and we see again and again...that life leaves and then new life comes...only all to show us God's mercy and love. GOD BLESS! ALL the Czarka Family.