Friday, December 11, 2009

Christmas with our King

Where to start? Needless to say, I have "written" about 8 blog entries in my brain over the past few weeks, but that's about where they stay! I have been pondering so many thoughts and emotions as we entered into the holiday season last month starting with Thanksgiving. I was having trouble figuring out how I wanted to live out this time of year knowing in my heart that EVERYTHING would be different with Victoria gone. Am I sad? Blue? Joyful? Lighthearted?? I couldn't figure it out.

WELL! Again, undeserving as I am, God continues to reveal himself to me and my family as He comforted us over the Thanksgiving break as only a loving Father can. Victoria was truly there with us as we shared our Thanksgiving meal with 47 of our family members inside the gathering area of my Grandma Heil's church! The most touching part of the day for me was when my sweet cousin Mary Grace walked up to Alex and I with a yellow box in her hand. Inside was a beautiful angel that she had made. It was not just any angel though, it was Victoria :) Our Victoria angel had blond hair, blue eyes, and was wearing a blue dress. Mary Grace wanted us to open this gift before we began eating, so that Victoria could sit next to us at the table and be a part of our Thanksgiving dinner. WOW. Talk about God reaching His hand straight down from Heaven to give us this gift from the love of my cousin. Mary Grace, thank you so much. I love you. I can't tell you how much your thoughtfulness meant to me in that moment. Whenever one of my friends asks me how our Thanksgiving was, I always share with them how special you made it for my family.

Now on to Christmas. Again, WOW! I have recently met a mother from my church who lost her 19yr old daughter about a year and a half ago, also from a car accident. She and I talked for about 2 hours the other day, and I shared with her my concerns about our first Christmas as a family without Victoria. Victoria LOVED Christmas, as we all do, but she especially LOVED this time of year. I felt so torn because I wanted to feel happy for Vic's sake and live this Advent season with a penitent heart, but also with joy and anticipation of Christ's birth. A deep sadness kept creeping in and well, I was just struggling. BUT pls note all the past tense I am using! My whole disposition changed though after talking to this mom and hearing how her family used their first Christmas after their daughter died as a way to share with their friends and family the joy and peace they carried in their hearts knowing that Kelly (the daughter) was in Heaven! One of the things that they did was send out a Christmas card with a poem inside. I tell you, this poem healed my heart as my eyes brimmed with tears the first time I read it and as I type it now. Instead of feeling sad that my sister is not going to be with us for Christmas, I now rejoice realizing that she will be experiencing the BEST Christmas EVER! Christmas with our King!!

Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
but don’t worry, I am joyful, even though we’re far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I’m spending Christmas in heaven walking with the King.

Christmas Morning 2008- 3 Days before Victoria died.

Bobby and I's wedding June 2006. One of our last family photos and one of our favorites