Thursday, September 10, 2009

Should be sleeping...

I worked last night at the children's hospital and only got to sleep about an hour and a half today because sweet Lucas decided he didn't feel like sleeping much today...might be because he slept from 7pm-7a for Bobby!! Unbelievable! Anyways, I am up, kids are sleeping, Bobby is out watching the Titans game, and I am awake missing Victoria so bad. Distractions come easy these days, but when a quiet moment comes, a heaviness in the depths of my heart rises up and my eyes immediately burn with tears. I start to feel overwhelmed when I think that she is gone forever and my longing for Heaven becomes so intense. I don't want to be 30, 50, or 70 years old without my sweet sister, but I know that is what God has asked of me and my family for now. She is wrapped in His tender arms now, but I so wish she could be in mine. I hate that she is gone. Sometimes I just want to cry out how much this hurts, and I suppose that's why I am typing this because it's too hard to talk about. I can dry the tears so quickly when I need to, but right now I just don't want to. Lord, please be with me. I know you are near.
Oh goodness, I need to change the subject! I am a mess behind this keyboard. Something I have been meaning to post about is how I don't see yellow jeeps anymore. At first I was so disappointed, but then as I was reflecting about it, I realized the timing of when I stopped seeing the yellow jeeps everyday was right after Lucas was born. God's love is so delicate, and it is as if Victoria was looking after me and staying close every day up until our new life came to us in Lucas. I feel like she stayed close to me until Lucas came to share in that closeness of my heart. It's amazing really. I still see her yellow Jeep every once in a while when I am having a hard day, almost like a reminder that she is still with me and knows when my heart is heavy. Thank you Victoria for loving me the way you do. For 18 years, you were my little sister with the blonde curly hair and now you are my angel in Heaven. I talk to Ava about you every day. I tell her that her aunt "Tor-Tor" is her angel in Heaven watching over us.
Below are pictures from her grave marker that finally arrived a few weeks ago. It's beautiful and so perfect. Deer often come out of the woods when we are there. It's pretty incredible. I tried to make the picture large so you can read the poem on it. Victoria wrote that in high school, and it's a perfect memoir for her. I will try to type up the poem and post it later. It's special because my mom put it up on the fridge the day she typed it up (I think she was in 10th grade) and it has been on our fridge ever since.

My family and I love this poem because Victoria completely captured so many of our family memories growing up. I love it!

My South by Victoria Heil.
My South is long Sundays at the Parish Picnic, painting faces and going on hayrides. In my South, lemonade stands on the sewer filled our cups with quarters in the summer heat. My south is like a painting where only my Dad and our bikes exist on the top of a red clay mountain. In my South, nights were lit by marshmallows on fire after a lazy day of splashing in the creek. My South is that millisecond moment ten feet in the air after my uncle airborne my tube at the lake. In my South, hours of laughter consume a family night of cribbage and dominos at the kitchen table. My South is having bottle rocket battles in the cul-de-sac following a long afternoon at Stone Mountain. In my South, I’m distinguished on humid days as the blonde girl with a full head of frizzy curly hair. My South is sitting in the rocking chairs outside Cracker Barrel awaiting a huge brunch of cheesy grits. My name is Victoria Heil, and this is my South.


Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your heart! I have no idea what it must feel like to have to live without your sister, but I know that God has blessed you with a heart that trusts His divine will. The poem Victoria wrote is so precious. I feel like I know her just a little bit by all the memories she shared in it. I'll be praying for you & please know that you can come to me anytime & you don't have to hold back the tears! I love you!

Kristi said...

Katherine, You make me think of eternity and the great LOVE and mercy Christ has for us. Because He died, we can one day be with those we love so much who have left us. For some reason God has entrusted you with this suffering. Thank you for so gracefully carrying this cross, always keeping your eyes fixed on Our Great God even though the pain is so unbearable. Count on my prayers. Love you.

holly said...

oh katherine! i just found your blog and am bawling. i can't imagine how you feel and how i would feel without my sisters. you are in my heart and prayers. thank GOD you have him and a faith to get you through the hard days. love you! holly

Dauvit Balfour said...


You make me feel a fool, and that's a good thing. I can't imagine...

I never knew your sister, but I've continued to pray for her this year for some reason. It seemed good to do.

This morning I let myself get bent into anger at a friend of mine. I'm still a little upset by it, but what a fool I feel for being angry at a friend... really, truly angry. What an idiot I am. I'm praying for you now, and for my friend. It's much better for me this way, than to be mad at someone I care about.

Strange, I'll bet you didn't write that to help a little brother you haven't seen in so long, but you (and Victoria), just did.