Should be sleeping...

I worked last night at the children's hospital and only got to sleep about an hour and a half today because sweet Lucas decided he didn't feel like sleeping much today...might be because he slept from 7pm-7a for Bobby!! Unbelievable! Anyways, I am up, kids are sleeping, Bobby is out watching the Titans game, and I am awake missing Victoria so bad. Distractions come easy these days, but when a quiet moment comes, a heaviness in the depths of my heart rises up and my eyes immediately burn with tears. I start to feel overwhelmed when I think that she is gone forever and my longing for Heaven becomes so intense. I don't want to be 30, 50, or 70 years old without my sweet sister, but I know that is what God has asked of me and my family for now. She is wrapped in His tender arms now, but I so wish she could be in mine. I hate that she is gone. Sometimes I just want to cry out how much this hurts, and I suppose that's why I am typing this because it's too hard to talk about. I can dry the tears so quickly when I need to, but right now I just don't want to. Lord, please be with me. I know you are near.
Oh goodness, I need to change the subject! I am a mess behind this keyboard. Something I have been meaning to post about is how I don't see yellow jeeps anymore. At first I was so disappointed, but then as I was reflecting about it, I realized the timing of when I stopped seeing the yellow jeeps everyday was right after Lucas was born. God's love is so delicate, and it is as if Victoria was looking after me and staying close every day up until our new life came to us in Lucas. I feel like she stayed close to me until Lucas came to share in that closeness of my heart. It's amazing really. I still see her yellow Jeep every once in a while when I am having a hard day, almost like a reminder that she is still with me and knows when my heart is heavy. Thank you Victoria for loving me the way you do. For 18 years, you were my little sister with the blonde curly hair and now you are my angel in Heaven. I talk to Ava about you every day. I tell her that her aunt "Tor-Tor" is her angel in Heaven watching over us.
Below are pictures from her grave marker that finally arrived a few weeks ago. It's beautiful and so perfect. Deer often come out of the woods when we are there. It's pretty incredible. I tried to make the picture large so you can read the poem on it. Victoria wrote that in high school, and it's a perfect memoir for her. I will try to type up the poem and post it later. It's special because my mom put it up on the fridge the day she typed it up (I think she was in 10th grade) and it has been on our fridge ever since.

My family and I love this poem because Victoria completely captured so many of our family memories growing up. I love it!

My South by Victoria Heil.
My South is long Sundays at the Parish Picnic, painting faces and going on hayrides. In my South, lemonade stands on the sewer filled our cups with quarters in the summer heat. My south is like a painting where only my Dad and our bikes exist on the top of a red clay mountain. In my South, nights were lit by marshmallows on fire after a lazy day of splashing in the creek. My South is that millisecond moment ten feet in the air after my uncle airborne my tube at the lake. In my South, hours of laughter consume a family night of cribbage and dominos at the kitchen table. My South is having bottle rocket battles in the cul-de-sac following a long afternoon at Stone Mountain. In my South, I’m distinguished on humid days as the blonde girl with a full head of frizzy curly hair. My South is sitting in the rocking chairs outside Cracker Barrel awaiting a huge brunch of cheesy grits. My name is Victoria Heil, and this is my South.

Table Dancing Already??

Hehehe! Ava is soo sneaky! She is beginning to learn that while I am nursing Lucas, she has a bit more freedom to get into trouble...so today while I was feeding the baby, I heard her playing behind me near her highchair. All of a sudden, I hear her saying loudly, "Dance Dance dance!" I turn around and she has managed to climb on top of our kitchen table and is dancing with her "crazy feet" like a wild child! I tried hard to be serious as I told her to get down, but I couldn't keep a straight face as I watched my 2 year old dance on our kitchen table.
This video is not of Ava dancing on tables, but she does love to dance! This is a video of Ava and her friend Palmer gettin' down with their wild side! -You will have to mute the music that plays on my blog (scroll to the very bottom and hit pause) in order to hear the music in the video.

My path to Holiness = Baby spit up!

Ok so as I type this my precious children have full tummies, clean diapers, clean clothes, and are sleeping comfortably in their beds….I on the other hand am still in half (I will explain!) of my sweaty workout clothes, dehydrated, and covered in spit up…what a day!! The great thing is that I know God has given me the grace to endure moments like these in my vocation as a mother, and I am grateful for the laughter which follows which is why I decided to blog about what has just transpired in my house…

The morning started out pretty well. Ava has a minor meltdown, but a meltdown by itself is not so bad. It only gets weary when a meltdown is coupled with a crying, hungry infant or something like that. Luckily that was not the case this morning. We go to the YMCA so I can go walking outside with my girlfriend Leann. Our walk was great and then afterwards the kids and I went to a playdate at the park. All was well up until we got home. I cleaned up Ava, changed her diaper, and put her down for a nap. Piece of cake. Lucas on the other hand was furious with me! Poor guy had a huge diaper and even though he had just eaten at the park was acting like he was starving. But I didn’t mind because I knew feeding him would help settle him down into a nap. Meanwhile I am still in my sweaty workout clothes, so I decide to at least change shirts, but all I managed to do was take off my sweaty one and didn’t bother putting a clean one on. I didn’t really think twice about it since I am in the privacy of my home and I at least had on my sports bra…So I change his diaper and sit down to nurse him. Now Lucas is a puker, which has been a big adjustment for me. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like getting puked on. I have gotten better at wearing his spit up more gracefully, but in the beginning, I would get so frustrated! Anyways, I pick him up to burp him and BAM! He spits up HUGE! There goes everything he just ate…all down my back, all over the chair behind me…AND since I had made the decision to not put on a clean shirt…well, let’s just say the spit up made it ALL the way down my back… like into my undergarments! But before I could clean myself off, Lucas BLOWS out in his diaper and then I reach over and realize that I have LEAKED milk all over myself because I forgot to put on a nursing pad. So now I am covered in spit up from Lucas, milk from me, and Lucas needs another diaper change! Again, God is so faithful because I am just laughing at this point. I quickly try to clean myself off but realized that the spit up was in that part of your back that is practically impossible to reach on your own. I was desperate to feel clean and could not take a shower at this point, so you will probably think I am ridiculous, but I called my girlfriend Leann who lives in the apartment above us and asked her if I could run up there really quickly. So I ran upstairs, baby wipes in hand, and like the great friend that she is, she proceeds to wipe the spit up off my back. Love you girl! At this point I am relieved, I am thinking that I can go downstairs and change Lucas and put him to bed. We almost got there except as I was rocking him to sleep he PUKED on my again…except this time it was all over my front which was still lacking the necessary clothing. So in the span of about 10 minutes, almost my entire outfit ended up with spit up on it –both undergarments and my pants! But now both babies are sleeping and I’m off to the shower!

Thank you Lord for the beautiful gift you have given me in my children. They are truly my means to holiness as I learn to love them and be patient with them in difficult moments. I thank you for my husband who is so patient with ME when I have had a rough day. I beg you for the grace to continue living my vocation as wife and mother with simplicity, love, and tons of laughter! And Victoria, I just know you were laughing at me today…hope I made you smile! I love you and miss you so much.