Victoria's Birthday Weekend

I am probably picking a bad time to post about Victoria's birthday weekend (it's 4:23am and I am at work...tired), but I have been meaning to post about it for over a week now because it was the most beautiful, God-filled weekend ever. I have to preface that I was pretty much dreading Victoria's birthday on Oct.2, not out of disrespect or hiding from the truth, but I just wasn't sure what to expect. My family and I are coming up on a tough time of year these next few months. Every month from now till the end of the year will have a "first" without my sweet sister here with us. First birthday. First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Year. Oh man, lump in throat.

As her birthday approached, I seriously considered staying here in Nashville instead of driving home to be with my family. Selfishly, I was tempted to try to let the day pass like any normal day, but boy am I ever so grateful for my beautiful husband who knows my heart so deeply. When I shared with him that I secretly didn't want to go home, he delicately urged me to think through why I felt this way, and on the day of Victoria's birthday would I feel better avoiding it rather than trying to make something special of the day by spending it with my family in ATL. Of course he was right, and I took his advice straight to the heart and my parents, Alex, and I did just that- we were able to experience God's joy and faithfulness as we shared together Victoria's first birthday without her here. Bobby unfortunately had to stay in TN because Vic's birthday was on a Friday, and I left early Friday morning to go home and he could not miss work.

As soon as I arrived in Atl, we drove to the cemetary to bring Victoria some pink roses and meet an older couple who had been trying to contact us regarding Victoria and her untimely death. One of Vic's friends, Brittany, had arrived at the cemetary before us and had decorated her gravesite with beautiful flowers, butterly confetti, balloons, and a great big butterfly balloon. It was amazing and so touching. This couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kumar were waiting to greet us. You see, they also had a child buried in the same cemetary, a son named Victor. He died 2 yrs ago of a massive heart attack at age 37. They faithfully visit his grave every Saturday and one day they came across Victoria's grave not too far from where their son is buried. The wife immediately felt a closeness to my mom because she could empathize with losing a child so young, and their names were also similar. From that day on, they have been cleaning off Victoria's gravesite every Saturday and had been trying to find a way to contact my family to meet us. To make a long story short, Mr. Kumar was finally able to leave a voice mail for my parents and explained how they had been looking after and praying over Victoria's grave every Saturday. My parents were extremely touched by their kindness and so decided to meet them at the cemetary on Victoria's birthday.

I could go on and on about the compassion of this couple, but I will just say this- when I looked into the eyes of Mr. Kumar as we talked about my sister and his son, I felt as though I were looking into the eyes of Christ. He looked at me with such a loving and tender gaze, and I felt such a peace standing in the presence of someone who had been a stranger just 3 minutes prior! I can't really describe it, but instead of feeling sadness as we stood over my sister's grave on her birthday, I felt a deep warmth that penetrated my heart and filled me with such an unexpected joy! As I type this, I am almost chuckling at how God made himself present to me on that day, not in the form of a beautiful angel, but rather a short wrinkly older Indian man with dark eyes-yet the kindest eyes I have ever seen. We spent most of the morning visiting with him (after we left the cemetary, we all went to Starbucks together and shared pumpkin lattes and pictures of Victor and Victoria).

One of the most incredible parts about us meeting was when the Kumars talked about the day my mom contacted them for the first time. Mr. Kumar had left my mom a few messages before she finally called back. She hesitated to call back at first not sure of his intentions, and why he was so interested in meeting our family even though we were all really touched by them taking care of Vic's grave in between our weekly visits. On a Saturday afternoon in late August, my mom called them back and left a message. WELL, it turns out that the exact day and time that my mom called the Kumar's was the 2yr anniversary and exact time of their son Victor's death. My mom obviously had no idea of this, but for the Kumar's, it was an immediate confirmation that our families were destined to meet! It was a great morning and afternoon spent with them!

The rest of Victoria's birthday was spent doing some of her favorite things. That night at her high school's football game, all the cheerleaders released blue balloons in honor of her birthday right at kickoff. Then we ate dinner at La Parilla (her FAVORITE restaurant-mine too!) as a family. We had such a wonderful time together at dinner and shared our favorite parts of VIctoria's birthday (mine was obviously spending time with the Kumar's!). Favorite's ranged from random butterflies showing up in places to simply spending time together. Ava's favorite part was dancing to the mariachi band at dinner! She was so cute.

On Sunday, we invited a few of Victoria's friends to join us in planting the beginnings of a garden at the cemetary. We started with planting 3 crape myrtles (sp?), and it looks so wonderful! They will bloom white. It was a great day filled with love and God's blessings as we celebrated the memory of my sweet sister and her birthday.

Lucas- A swimmer?!

Oh how I love this child. He does this EVERY time he takes a bath! It brings Bobby and I so much joy to watch him "swim" in his bathtub. Kristi, if you're reading this, sounds like Gabriel and Lucas are going to be swimming buddies!!

Florida Beach Trip 2009!

So the days of laying out by the ocean reading a book basking in the sun for hours upon hours I fear are over! Vacation at the beach is still wonderful, but perhaps not quite as relaxing with a 2 year old and 3 mo old in tow!
Every September, Bobby and I go to the beach in Florida with his family. My first time going with them was when we were engaged, and we have gone every year since. It is neat to see how our vacation has changed now that Bobby and I have 2 children and his sister Angie who comes with her husband every year has 2 young children as well. This year we had a 3mo old, 1yr old, 2yr old, and 3yr old! Whew! It was a crazy week.
By the end of the week, Ava was OVER the beach. She did not like the sand nor the salty water and insisted that only I hold her in the water which was difficult to do considering we had Lucas on the beach with us! Bobby and I decided that next year we are going to bribe, pay, and manipulate my sister Alex to come with us and help with our little ones! hehehe But hey- she will be getting a trip to the beach too right? Nonetheless, we had a great time together and made some wonderful memories!

I love this picture. Bobby is throwing Ava into the air and she was in heaven playing with her Daddy!
One of the moments where Ava didn't mind the sand when she realized there were little seashells buried in it!
Ava and her cousin Alyssa- they are so cute together and look a little bit alike too!
Family pic- well sorta...when we took this picture, I didn't realize Bobby had his fingers in his mouth! When I asked him why he did that, he said Lucas wanted the guys to look alike...nice!

Cutie little guy!

Love this! My father-in-law bought Ava and Alyssa pink angel wings and Ava
wanted to wear hers ALL the time!

Bobby and his babies!

His Sweet Baby Blues!

I have been meaning to post about this for a while...Lucas has blue eyes (and not just the steel gray color that may eventually change-they are like a light ocean blue)...Bobby nor I have blue eyes-his are brown and mine are a miriad of colors, but we will just call them hazel. What is so amazing though is Victoria had blue eyes :) This is such a precious gift to me that my son has her eyes. My family and I like to think that Victoria arrived in Heaven and after realizing that my baby was going to be a boy, she said something like this, "Ok, God, so since he can't have my name (if Lucas had been a girl, he would have been named Addison Victoria), can he at least have my eyes??" :) And then God smiled, winked, and blessed my sweet Lucas with his Aunt Victoria's beautiful blue eyes.

Should be sleeping...

I worked last night at the children's hospital and only got to sleep about an hour and a half today because sweet Lucas decided he didn't feel like sleeping much today...might be because he slept from 7pm-7a for Bobby!! Unbelievable! Anyways, I am up, kids are sleeping, Bobby is out watching the Titans game, and I am awake missing Victoria so bad. Distractions come easy these days, but when a quiet moment comes, a heaviness in the depths of my heart rises up and my eyes immediately burn with tears. I start to feel overwhelmed when I think that she is gone forever and my longing for Heaven becomes so intense. I don't want to be 30, 50, or 70 years old without my sweet sister, but I know that is what God has asked of me and my family for now. She is wrapped in His tender arms now, but I so wish she could be in mine. I hate that she is gone. Sometimes I just want to cry out how much this hurts, and I suppose that's why I am typing this because it's too hard to talk about. I can dry the tears so quickly when I need to, but right now I just don't want to. Lord, please be with me. I know you are near.
Oh goodness, I need to change the subject! I am a mess behind this keyboard. Something I have been meaning to post about is how I don't see yellow jeeps anymore. At first I was so disappointed, but then as I was reflecting about it, I realized the timing of when I stopped seeing the yellow jeeps everyday was right after Lucas was born. God's love is so delicate, and it is as if Victoria was looking after me and staying close every day up until our new life came to us in Lucas. I feel like she stayed close to me until Lucas came to share in that closeness of my heart. It's amazing really. I still see her yellow Jeep every once in a while when I am having a hard day, almost like a reminder that she is still with me and knows when my heart is heavy. Thank you Victoria for loving me the way you do. For 18 years, you were my little sister with the blonde curly hair and now you are my angel in Heaven. I talk to Ava about you every day. I tell her that her aunt "Tor-Tor" is her angel in Heaven watching over us.
Below are pictures from her grave marker that finally arrived a few weeks ago. It's beautiful and so perfect. Deer often come out of the woods when we are there. It's pretty incredible. I tried to make the picture large so you can read the poem on it. Victoria wrote that in high school, and it's a perfect memoir for her. I will try to type up the poem and post it later. It's special because my mom put it up on the fridge the day she typed it up (I think she was in 10th grade) and it has been on our fridge ever since.

My family and I love this poem because Victoria completely captured so many of our family memories growing up. I love it!

My South by Victoria Heil.
My South is long Sundays at the Parish Picnic, painting faces and going on hayrides. In my South, lemonade stands on the sewer filled our cups with quarters in the summer heat. My south is like a painting where only my Dad and our bikes exist on the top of a red clay mountain. In my South, nights were lit by marshmallows on fire after a lazy day of splashing in the creek. My South is that millisecond moment ten feet in the air after my uncle airborne my tube at the lake. In my South, hours of laughter consume a family night of cribbage and dominos at the kitchen table. My South is having bottle rocket battles in the cul-de-sac following a long afternoon at Stone Mountain. In my South, I’m distinguished on humid days as the blonde girl with a full head of frizzy curly hair. My South is sitting in the rocking chairs outside Cracker Barrel awaiting a huge brunch of cheesy grits. My name is Victoria Heil, and this is my South.

Table Dancing Already??

Hehehe! Ava is soo sneaky! She is beginning to learn that while I am nursing Lucas, she has a bit more freedom to get into trouble...so today while I was feeding the baby, I heard her playing behind me near her highchair. All of a sudden, I hear her saying loudly, "Dance Dance dance!" I turn around and she has managed to climb on top of our kitchen table and is dancing with her "crazy feet" like a wild child! I tried hard to be serious as I told her to get down, but I couldn't keep a straight face as I watched my 2 year old dance on our kitchen table.
This video is not of Ava dancing on tables, but she does love to dance! This is a video of Ava and her friend Palmer gettin' down with their wild side! -You will have to mute the music that plays on my blog (scroll to the very bottom and hit pause) in order to hear the music in the video.

My path to Holiness = Baby spit up!

Ok so as I type this my precious children have full tummies, clean diapers, clean clothes, and are sleeping comfortably in their beds….I on the other hand am still in half (I will explain!) of my sweaty workout clothes, dehydrated, and covered in spit up…what a day!! The great thing is that I know God has given me the grace to endure moments like these in my vocation as a mother, and I am grateful for the laughter which follows which is why I decided to blog about what has just transpired in my house…

The morning started out pretty well. Ava has a minor meltdown, but a meltdown by itself is not so bad. It only gets weary when a meltdown is coupled with a crying, hungry infant or something like that. Luckily that was not the case this morning. We go to the YMCA so I can go walking outside with my girlfriend Leann. Our walk was great and then afterwards the kids and I went to a playdate at the park. All was well up until we got home. I cleaned up Ava, changed her diaper, and put her down for a nap. Piece of cake. Lucas on the other hand was furious with me! Poor guy had a huge diaper and even though he had just eaten at the park was acting like he was starving. But I didn’t mind because I knew feeding him would help settle him down into a nap. Meanwhile I am still in my sweaty workout clothes, so I decide to at least change shirts, but all I managed to do was take off my sweaty one and didn’t bother putting a clean one on. I didn’t really think twice about it since I am in the privacy of my home and I at least had on my sports bra…So I change his diaper and sit down to nurse him. Now Lucas is a puker, which has been a big adjustment for me. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like getting puked on. I have gotten better at wearing his spit up more gracefully, but in the beginning, I would get so frustrated! Anyways, I pick him up to burp him and BAM! He spits up HUGE! There goes everything he just ate…all down my back, all over the chair behind me…AND since I had made the decision to not put on a clean shirt…well, let’s just say the spit up made it ALL the way down my back… like into my undergarments! But before I could clean myself off, Lucas BLOWS out in his diaper and then I reach over and realize that I have LEAKED milk all over myself because I forgot to put on a nursing pad. So now I am covered in spit up from Lucas, milk from me, and Lucas needs another diaper change! Again, God is so faithful because I am just laughing at this point. I quickly try to clean myself off but realized that the spit up was in that part of your back that is practically impossible to reach on your own. I was desperate to feel clean and could not take a shower at this point, so you will probably think I am ridiculous, but I called my girlfriend Leann who lives in the apartment above us and asked her if I could run up there really quickly. So I ran upstairs, baby wipes in hand, and like the great friend that she is, she proceeds to wipe the spit up off my back. Love you girl! At this point I am relieved, I am thinking that I can go downstairs and change Lucas and put him to bed. We almost got there except as I was rocking him to sleep he PUKED on my again…except this time it was all over my front which was still lacking the necessary clothing. So in the span of about 10 minutes, almost my entire outfit ended up with spit up on it –both undergarments and my pants! But now both babies are sleeping and I’m off to the shower!

Thank you Lord for the beautiful gift you have given me in my children. They are truly my means to holiness as I learn to love them and be patient with them in difficult moments. I thank you for my husband who is so patient with ME when I have had a rough day. I beg you for the grace to continue living my vocation as wife and mother with simplicity, love, and tons of laughter! And Victoria, I just know you were laughing at me today…hope I made you smile! I love you and miss you so much.