You Are My Sunshine!

The Tunnel of Parenthood

2011-10-25T05:52:00.000-05:00

by Emily Sederstrand

In 2005, my husband, Tom, and I relocated from Ohio to upstate NY with three young children in tow. God provided for us, and we quickly made wonderful and faith-filled friends. Soon after settling in, I was invited to a “mom’s dinner,” an evening out to get refreshed. There, I was introduced to Joan, who was at the time the mother of nine and newly expecting her tenth. I looked at her in awe, unsure how anyone could have nine children!

“Oh,” she exclaimed, “you’re in the darkest part of motherhood! It’s going to get better!”

Joan was elegant and well-spoken. She turned to me and cheerfully asked, “So, what are the ages of your children?” I answered a bit sheepishly, “4 ½, 2 ½, and 1 ½,” unsure of where the conversation was heading. “Oh,” she exclaimed, “you’re in the darkest part of motherhood! It’s going to get better!” Say what? I was totally surprised, and frankly, relieved.

Instead, I had braced myself for some sort of motherhood fish story, the kind of rivalry that a soon-to-be-mother-of-ten could handily win every time… like, “Oh that’s nothing! You should walk a day in my shoes,” or “Just wait till you have six more and see how many loads of laundry you’ll have to do then!” or “Let me tell you about the time that eight kids, plus the husband and the dog, were all vomiting in our 12-passenger van during a 36-hour pilgrimage to EWTN!” Yikes! What could top that??

But that’s not the treatment Joan gave me. It was just…sympathy. Real, heartfelt sympathy from a more experienced mom to a newer one. Wow. It was as if a huge weight was lifted from me, and I was filled with hope. “It’s going to get better? Really?” I didn’t know it at the time, but Tom and I were in the “Tunnel of Parenthood: The First Five Years.” Now that we have emerged from the Tunnel, I have grown more and more convinced that those were indeed the hardest years.

It’s not the mere fact of having children under the age of five in the home that makes it the Tunnel; it’s going through the parenting of children under five for the first time. The very young child’s stages of development are rapid-fire and, when you’ve never experienced them before, are at times baffling. It all slows down after age five. Meaning, the differences between a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old are vast compared to the differences between a 5-year-old and a 6-year-old. It is a literal whirlwind from zero to five.

More than that, in the first few years, parents are “on duty” all the time in a very physical way. It can be plain exhausting when the little ones are getting all of their needs met by Mom and Dad, and those needs are immediate and primal. Feed me! Change my diaper! Hold me! Play with me! Make my dollie talk! Push me on the swing! And on and on. I remember when the mere act of strapping three young kids into their car seats was like an athletic event. Parenting in the Tunnel requires a very bodily sacrifice from Mom and Dad.

While new parenthood is certainly joyful and miraculous, the years in the Tunnel can also be frightening, overwhelming and anxiety-producing. I have known many parents with two young children who say with conviction, “We couldn’t possibly have a third!” They often are working under the assumption that adding another baby would exponentially increase their current burdens, and they predict (incorrectly) that those burdens are permanent and unchanging.

How many decisions for sterilization are made during this stage of parenting, only to be later regretted?

Now that Tom and I are out of the Tunnel, we have found that each new child brings a paradigm shift to the family, and we all adjust together to that new reality. Welcoming another child after the first one is over the age of five is nothing like having a baby when you’re in the Tunnel. Our number four, Anthony Jack, came into our lives when the older three were 6, 4, and 3, and it was a revelation to see how much easier it was, repeat c-section and all. We had a better handle on what we were doing as parents, but most of all, little AJ had an older brother and two sisters to talk to him and play with him and love him. I know it’s been said by others, but how true: adding another child doesn’t divide your love, it multiplies love in the family.

When in public, I enjoy searching out parents who are in the Tunnel. It turns out they’re very easy to spot, and not just for the obvious reason that there are babies and toddlers crawling on them. There’s a subtle look of shock on their faces, maybe a combination of sleep deprivation, battle fatigue and confusion. It is always fun to approach them and tell them, “Congratulations!” Then, I tell them that they are in the Tunnel of Parenthood and that it’s the hardest part. They may look bewildered at first, then relieved like I was.

I tell them that the next baby will be easier, and they’ll often reply that they’re “done.” “Never say never!” I assure them. It’s impossible to decide today how you will feel next year or the year after that. The decision to get sterilized is often made based on feelings, albeit very vivid feelings. After number four, I could easily imagine being “done” myself with childbearing. Thanks to NFP, we revisit that question each cycle, and somehow, slowly and imperceptibly, that openness to number five has crept in.

Joan always says, “God sends each baby with a loaf of bread under its arm!” She should know, after ten children. Now that we’re out of the Tunnel, it’s easier for us to see as well. If you know a couple in the Tunnel of Parenthood, give them some encouragement and see if you can lighten their burden just a little. That may be all they need to open their hearts to one more soul in their family (and then another!). Their future children will thank you for it!

Emily Sederstrand
Freelance Speaker / Fertility Educator
”When you tell a woman how she’s made,
you’re telling her about her Maker!”

Joyful Mothering

2011-08-23T16:01:00.002-05:00

My girlfriend Lindsey sent me a link to this blog post, and it really hit home with me, so I wanted to share it here:

Seeing Through The Weeds
By Christin, on August 23rd, 2011

Today’s guest post is by Andrea of Whispers in the Silence

___

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. Psalm 127: 3-5a NKJV

With a quiver full of four children eight years old and under, I frequently receive the comments, “Wow! You must be busy,” “You must have your hands full,” and “I don’t know how you do it.” They are comments I have come to expect. They are ones I dread to hear.

I dread them because what I sense in these comments is a notion that parenting more than two children is a burden, not a blessing. And how I fight to smother that weed of a thought, especially in moments of intense mothering when my children push all my buttons simultaneously and I flounder to respond in a way which even remotely resembles Christ.

These weedy thoughts wage a war within me. The war between desiring to be joyful mother who embraces the call God placed on her life and believing motherhood is not a real vocation – that my days of meaningfully contributing to society are on hold until our children are well past their teen years.

And so I grapple with how to gracefully respond to these comments in a culture which often does not see the beauty in bearing more children than the societal norm. Often, I demurely smile or mumble some sort of affirmative answer and cave to the pressure of answering with an expected rejoinder. But when I do, I feel like I am short-changing God and the gift of motherhood He bestowed upon me; it feels wrong to agree with a sentiment I do not believe to be true.

What I want to say is that, yes, it is hard and not always fun raising four young children, and sometimes a convent sounds like a great idea. I long to share how much God has grown me these past eight years and though He has put me on a road less traveled, I would rather walk it than remain the same selfish person I was before these children were brought into my life. I want people to see how living with fewer children would mean living with less patience, less compassion, less desire to serve and put others first and a smaller capacity to love.

Most of all I long to point the commenter to the One who makes all good things possible.

So how do we, mothers of many small children, graciously respond to these comments in a way that points back to our hope and strength in God, and affirms our call as a blessing, and not a burden?

Here are some possibilities:

“I am. Blessedly so.”
“Yes, I do have my hands full…they are full of love.”
“I pray. A lot.” (I have started to use this one in response to “I don’t know how you do it.”
“With God, all things are possible.”

And My Heart Grows...

2011-07-26T21:59:00.001-05:00

I typed this on my phone the other day while we were on vacation. I intended for it to be my own little reflection, but after I shared it with Bobby, he really encouraged me to share it here. So here goes...

So today is one of those days when I wish that Ava could be forever 4, Lucas could stay a sweet 2 year old and Noah could always be my snuggly newborn!

I remember thinking when I was pregnant with Lucas, "How could I ever love another child as much as I love Ava?" And then along came Lucas and my heart grew. And now the same with Noah. Indeed my heart does not divide its love but rather I am realizing that in serving and giving to my family, it grows. God is molding my heart with less of me and more of Him and His love, which is the most pure form of love that I can give my children. I definitely still struggle with moments of selfishness (alot) when my insides just want to fight for my own time, a sit down lunch, quiet time in the morning to pray, 7 straight hours of sleep, laying out by the pool, freedom to window shop, etc. Yet as I gaze at Noah laying here in my lap, I can't ever imagine our life without him. There is no comparison. As crazy as it sounds, it makes me excited to think that we will keep reliving the joy of these moments with each new life we bring into our family- however many little souls that may be!

So no I don't get Mani/pedis as often anymore or go shopping at the mall or leave my house 'quickly' for anything at all especially now that I have one more bag to pack for the YMCA :) but I do get one more forehead to kiss goodnight and one more I love you in the morning.

I look at Noah and see this precious life that God has created in all time. All He needed was our YES. He needed our cooperation with His will for our lives. In our yes, God gave us this gift of life. It's hard for me to think, what if we had said no? What if we came up with a million reasons why we were "done" having children? 2 is enough. We're too busy. Not enough money. We are happy just as we are.

Gosh, how would we have ever known this joy that we know now!

Has It Really Been....

2011-05-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

5 months since I last posted an update?!? Oh my...crazy how time flies. I really don't even know where to begin!
In January, Bobby and I took a mini "babymoon" to Chattanooga while my parents watched Ava and Lucas. When we met them for dinner before they took the kids back to Atlanta, we surprised them with the fact that we knew the baby's gender!! My mom was BEYOND excited. We couldn't just tell them though, we had to make it fun, so my girlfriend who loves to bake so sweetly made us some cupcakes with blue filling hidden on the inside. I could barely contain my excitement as we ate dinner together at PF changs bc all I wanted to do was hurry up and give them the cupcakes! We even got Alex and Tyler in on the surprise by calling them and I sent them text message photos with a whole cupcake and then a picture after Mom and Dad bit into their cupcakes to reveal the blue! It was so much fun!
The rest of the weekend was so nice to get away with just Bobby and just BE. Most of the attractions in Chattanooga that we were interested in (riverboat dinner cruise, incline railway, putt putt golf) were all closed for the winter, which actually turned out to be a good thing bc it forced BObby and I to do something that we almost never do-- RELAX and BE STILL!! So we enjoyed a long nap on Saturday in our hotel room and then woke up and read books in bed for like an hour. It sounds so crazy just typing it out that we actually did that! LOL
In February, I got to fly out to Maryland to go visit Alex and Tyler for a long weekend. It was WONDERFUL! I really enjoyed spending so much time with my sister and her husband bc it has been hard for me to get used to them living so far away :( They are doing great and are adorable newlyweds. Alex and Tyler had to work on Friday while I was there and Alex was so worried about me being bored in their apartment until 1pm when she got home. I laughed and said, "Alex! That's the beauty of it! I get to be BORED!" So when she called me at 12:30 to say she was on her way home, I figured I should probably get out of my pjs! Most funny part of the weekend was when Alex got us completely and utterly LOST in the ghetto of Baltimore...apparently she couldn't remember the address of the restaurant for dinner, but just guessed at what she thought it was hoping we would get there...well we didn't! hahahaha ohh man I am just laughing thinking about it right now. Of course it wasn't as funny at the time, but luckily none of us were starving, or else it could have turned ugly fast! LOL

In March, Alex and Tyler shared with us the EXCITING news that they are EXPECTING!!! We could not be happier for them, and I am overjoyed to be an aunt. Alex is already so nurturing and maternal when it comes to my children, so I can only imagine how phenomenal she will be as a mother to her own precious baby.
Ava started ballet lessons in February, and she is a hoot to watch! She enjoys the lessons, but especially the music. We go once a week on Fridays from 12-12:45pm, and I thought that was kinda short, but Ms Missy her dance instructor CLEARLY knows what she is doing bc it is almost painful to watch her try to keep the girls' attention for those 45 minutes!

On to April, we spent 2 different weekends in Atlanta, which was soo much fun! The first trip was to celebrate my best girlfriend Katie's first baby shower. She is due about 2 weeks after me (and actually as I type this, she had her sweet baby girl Addie Elizabeth 2 days ago! She beat me!) I was 34 weeks and she was 32 weeks at her shower. It was really special to share that time together as pregnant best friends!

Of course we also went back home to ATL for Easter as we have done ever since we moved to Franklin. It's a tradition that we dye Easter eggs with Bobby's family on Saturday night and then on Sunday, my dad hosts a big Easter egg for Ava and Lucas...and Alex and I :)

Now finally on to May and right now! This month has FLOWN by, but unfortunately the last week of May has d r a g g e d on as I am now 5 days past my due date and we are still waiting for our little bundle of joy to arrive! This time of waiting has been a great time of reflection for me as I have found myself spending more time in prayer asking God to continue to give me patience and to not take for granted these extra days that I have with my little family of four. Bobby has actually been sick (perhaps one reason why I have not gone into labor yet?), so Ava and Lucas and I have been spending lots of extra together time on picnics, at the pool, etc.
One thing I don't want to forget to include that we are so proud of is that Ava learned how to push herself on the swing! We have been working with her alot to pump her legs and last week, she finally figured it out! It's kinda a big deal in our house :) She turns 4 in July.
Ava also had her ballet recital this month and Bobby's parents were traveling through on their way home from St. Louis, so they got to come watch her. Her little group of 3 & 4 yr olds were quite entertaining! They did their best!

This last picture was taken on Tuesday night the 24th- the night before my due date. We have a tradition with our best friends the O'Neils to go out to Mexican for dinner and then come home and take some castor oil with the hopes of inducing labor. We had a GREAT time that night and laughed alot...but no baby :( I actually had false labor that night (4-5 hours of contractions lasting 30-45 seconds about 4 minutes apart...who would have thought that would be false?!) and have barely had any contractions ever since! Craziness...

A Wonderful Christmas Story

2010-12-21T15:49:00.002-06:00

I just want to share with you all a true story my mom sent me a few days ago. Last Wednesday, Woodstock and other parts of ATL experienced an ice storm which created a nightmare on the roadways. Our friends back home were telling us stories of how it took them 4 hours to make a 5 mile drive. Accidents were occurring everywhere. My mom actually had to walk home from the top of the hill in our neighborhood because her Xterra started sliding and ended up sideways in the middle of the road. Anyways, below is a story about what happened that night to one of her coworkers at the highschool named Erin. It's such a beautiful story of God's love and loving our neighbors. I asked Erin if I could share it on my blog, so I am grateful she said yes, as I think it will make a mark on your day!

Merry Christmas, friends! Rather than a card this year, I want to share with you a Christmas moment. Wednesday night was a crazy experience on the roadways, as I'm sure you know. But, as the holidays seem to remind us, sometimes the best moments come out of chaos. I wrote down my thoughts below as Wednesday night unfolded . . .

So, tonight was supposed to be our Church Christmas party … a meal, games, and wrapping gifts for children in need. When the ice and sleet began at 4:00 ish, we had to make a call, but dinner was pretty much prepared already. A few of us gathered at the church to handle the gifts, and make plans for wrapping them another time, as it was clear that we all needed to get home. All activities were cancelled, and four of us left at about the same time. After an hour, none of us got more than a ½ mile from church, because of traffic at a stand still in the ice. Accidents were everywhere, and one road was iced so that traffic could not get up. No one was moving anywhere.

Jake and I decided to get out of each of our vehicles, and walk back to the church. Our minister of music, David Harrison, called Jake (the pastor) to say he was walking a mile back to the church, and was picking up folks along the way. As we ventured out of our cars and into the ice and sleet, we stopped at cars near us and said “Don’t know where you’re headed, but if you want to come inside and get warm, we’re walking up to the church. There’s food there. Come on.” Almost every stranger we met thanked us, and prepared to leave their cars on the side of the road. We had to climb the icy hill to the church. A young mom, her son, and I held hands as we slipped up the hill.

Once we got inside, the meal was waiting for us. We began taking the Wednesday night supper out of the fridge; most of it was still warm. Jake stayed upstairs, welcoming half-frozen people inside. We made hot chocolate. We ate a glorious meal of ham, potato casserole, veggies, and warm rolls. People kept piling inside. About 70 strangers, ended up sharing a meal and getting to know one another.

The best surprise was that one group of folks from the road were a group of teens heading to dress rehearsal for “The Nutcracker.” So, after we all ate and warmed up, the kids put on a live performance of the ballet in the fellowship hall. It was wonderful! Judy Brandon searched the pantry and found ingredients for a cake . .. she and several moms – strangers before tonight – baked a cake together. Kids and teenagers made themselves at home, having fun like they had been at this church all their lives. This has turned out to be one of the best Christmas parties I’ve ever been a part of.

An officer stopped by the church, and filled us in on the road conditions. It was clear that no one needed to be traveling until things thaw in the morning. So, we decided it was time for phase two of the party. We set up the screen and projector in the sanctuary, let the kids fill the center aisle and showed the Charlie Brown Christmas movie. Adults spread out on the pews. Most of them are drifting off to sleep now.

The church is warm, and safe, and full of people tonight. I have so many thoughts I want to process about this night … a change of plans, welcoming strangers, offering a meal, sharing a table … but I’m pretty sure that what happened here tonight was truly the gospel. And my heart overflows with that thought.

After this amazing experience of unexpected joys, my hope for your holiday is this. . .

- unplanned parties with friends you haven’t met yet

- a hand offered to you when you slip and fall

- friends who invite you to walk alongside them on the road

- peaceful rest in the most unlikely settings

- joy that surprises you

Merry Christmas!

Oh What a Day!

2010-12-17T12:44:00.004-06:00

Ok, today has been the most comical day full of irony and mishaps and it's only 12:45pm! I just have to write it down so I don't forget it.
It all started last night when we put Ava to bed. Today was pajama day at school, so I thought, "how great! What a time saver for the morning because Ava will already be dressed when she wakes up!" I did hesitate though for a moment because normally she can be a bit messy eating breakfast, and I didn't want her to get her pj's dirty in the morning. BUT I decided to take the easy way out and put her to bed in her new pj's that she would wear to school the next day (todaY).
WELL, at 5:30 this morning, I hear Ava and Bobby in our bathroom with the bath tub water running. Before I even crawled out of bed (clearly, I was zonked out considering I didn't hear anything until they made it to the bath!), I thought, "oh noo...." Sure enough, Ava had an accident last night- of course it was her first one in like 3 months- and so her pj's and sheets needed to be changed. I would like to say that it was Ava who was so upset about her wet pj's, but really it was me! She looked soo cute in them and they were so warm and cozy, so I decided to run downstairs and throw them in the wash before school. The other ironic part of this story is that up until the LAST time I changed the sheets, I always put a towel down under she sheets just in case of an accident so it won't soak through to the mattress (I really need to get one of those plastic sheets). But since she had not had an accident in so long, I decided not to put a towel down when I changed her sheets last week, and OF COURSE, that backfired!
So we finally make it back to bed...well sorta. By that time, we all were pretty much awake. Despite being up so early, the kids and I somehow managed to be late taking Ava to school, which means I have to unload everyone and check her in at the office AND walk her to her classroom. Now normally I am still in my pj's with slippers on when I take Ava to school bc the school is so close. Well THANK GOODNESS I got dressed today! All I kept thinking when I was checking Ava in was, "Thank you Jesus that I put my tennis shoes on today!!" LOL
After we take Ava to school, Lucas and I drive to Bobby's office to say hello. On our way there, I pick up my phone to call my friend Deb from work because she is letting me borrow a sweater for our Ugly sweater Christmas party tomorrow night! Bummed, I realize that I cannot find her number under my recent calls. I tried asking a friend from work, but she didn't have her number. So then I ended up calling the hospital and asking my charge nurse for her number, which I hated having to do because I know they are soo busy in the mornings. As I dialed her number, it popped in my phone as a saved number. UGH! I had it the whole time!!
Now that we are home, I am stricken with a case of LOST things...yesterday I made an ornament for my mom for Christmas, and I think someone in our house who is under 3 ft tall, took it and hid it somewhere! He recently has a love for putting things in our trash can, so I have a feeling it's in our dumpster outside right now since I just took the trash out....And there is NO WAY I am digging for it in there!! This culprit of mine also LOVES our tv remote, so much so that we have taken the batteries out of one of our remotes as a "decoy" with buttons that he thinks is real! hahaha. That being said, I accidentally left the real remote within his reach earlier this morning, and now it is GONE. Nowhere to be found (probably also in the trash...). This is a bummer because I was excited to watch 19 Kids and counting while the kids napped, and I caught up on laundry! But since it's the Comcast remote that is missing, I can't access our DVR :( so Sad!!
Let's see...I think there was something else funny that happened, but I think that's all my brain can remember at one time! Hahaha. So glad that Bobby and I are going out on a date tonight! I need a brain refresher!
Well before I go, I will share something precious that Ava has been doing lately. Every morning when she wakes up, she runs downstairs and pulls up a chair to get closer to our nativity set. She says good morning to all the wise men and animals and spends a few minutes talking to Mary, with such things like, "Mary, I need to pray for more snow. Do you ask Santa for more snow?" And then she always asks me where baby Jesus is. I remind her that baby Jesus is still in Mary's tummy and that he will be born on Christmas day. She gets really excited because she will say, "MOM! Mary has a baby peanut just like you?!?!" Ohh, how I love my Ava!
Merry Christmas!

The Annual Dave Ramsey Christmas Party- Such a FUN night!!

Our best friends Branden and Lauri O'Neil

The First snow of the year! Our house looks so pretty at night- Bobby did a great job on our lights!

Our Christmas Angels :)

Making cookies with our favorite buddy Steph at the Breakfast with Santa at our church

The Annual downtown Franklin Christmas parade. The kids LOVED it and so did I!!

Breakfast with Santa!

2010-12-09T14:33:00.002-06:00

This past Saturday, we took the kids to our church for Breakfast with Santa. They both loved it! I thought for sure Lucas was NOT going to be a fan of the big bearded stranger all dressed in red, but he didn't care at all! There was a photographer present who I am so grateful for because she captured some cute pics of our kiddos.

Click here to view these pictures larger

FALL-ing in LOVE!!!!

2010-10-16T09:55:00.003-05:00

As I am sure most of you do, we LOVE fall! I couldn't be happier while playing outside with Ava and Lucas in the evenings when Bobby gets home from work, going to lots of fall festivals, inviting friends over for campfires in our backyard, leaving our windows open as much as possible, and of course taking lots of pictures to remember it all by!
This fall weather has also been a wonderful remedy to the early weeks of my pregnancy. Fresh air and sunshine make me feel soo good!
Lucas is now 16mos old and Ava is 3 going on 16....
A few things about Lucas are that he LOVES (and I mean, LOVES) balls- he actually is impressing us in his ability to dribble a soccer ball around in our backyard. It's crazy. LOL, as I type this, Lucas just came up to me carrying a football, saying (in his most deep boy voice possible) "Ball, ball, ball!" He also loves remote controls and of course cell phones. We finally just took the batteries out of one of our remotes so he could play with it without changing the channel!
Ava is a doll, the most loving, challenging, maternal spit fire!~ hahaha. She really enjoys going to her new preschool where she is a peer model. She is mixed in a classroom with children with special needs, and she serves as a typically developing 3 yr old to demonstrate 3yr old behaviors. There are 8 children in her classroom- 4 peer models and 4 with special needs- most of which are mild autism. Bobby and I are honored that she gets to be a part of this program and interact with kids that she wouldn't normally get to interact with. They are her friends, and we love that.

This is the new game Bobby has created with the kids....they throw a ball up the stairs and then giggle hysterically while they watch it bounce all the way back down...it's the little things! :)

New Beginnings!

2010-09-22T04:03:00.004-05:00

Well, as most of my posts start out....where do I begin?? The month of September has been so amazing for our family! The first week of September was spent moving into our new home. We love it. Everyday I wake up amazed that God allowed us to find this house that we now call our home. As is our style, we have already had 1 party, 2 cookouts, a garage sale, and lots of visitors! Finally a home to share with our friends and family. God is good.
And well, of course, it didn't take us long to find something to do with all the extra space...we found out last week that we are expecting baby #3!!!! A surprise? Maybe. A moment of great joy? No doubt!! So Bobby and I have decided that God is amazingly good at math because so far, all our babies are going to be exactly 23 months apart. I am due at the end of May, Lucas turns 2 in June, Ava turns 4 in July. Sounds pretty great to me!
Here are a few pics of September so far:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/craftapparent/

2010-08-26T02:42:00.001-05:00

I am feeling a little crafty lately, so I am using my blog as a place to remember all the fun crafts I want to try one day!

http://www.pbs.org/parents/craftapparent/

http://sistersstuff.blogspot.com/2009/10/diaper-wipe-case-tutorialand-some-of.html

Birthday Blessings

2010-08-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful birthday I had this year! I never intended to blog about my birthday, but after so many blessings came my way, I just had to share. First of all, I love Bobby so much. Not only did he give me the most romantic, heart felt, tender birthday card, but he put a tremendous amount of love into making me a birthday cake! I think he was trying to surprise me because on Monday night (the night before my bday), he needed to go to the grocery store, but wouldn't tell me what he needed to buy. I guess what he didn't expect was for Ava to leak the surprise, because after he left, she said, "Ohh Mommy, me and Daddy are making you a cake tonight!" Hahaha. Gotta love it.
When he got back from the store, I left to go meet my group of girlfriends in downtown Franklin. So wow, where do I begin about how grateful I am for the amazing friends we have made here in Franklin. It's a group of about 10 of us and each month, we all get together for a girls' night to celebrate whoever has a bday in that particular month. I was the only August birthday, so of course I picked to go to Sweet CeCe's for frozen yogurt! Another special tradition we have started is a "Spiritual bouquet" (I included a picture below). How it works is one of the girls volunteers to arrange a bouquet of flowers and then she emails everyone (except the birthday girl) asking for them to reply back with a prayer/special sacrifice/note about what they love about that person. Each response is printed up on a small piece of paper and then they are attached to each stem of the flowers. So on Monday night, I received a beautiful spiritual bouquet filled with love from my girlfriends! It was so special to me and I will treasure it forever (well, the notes at least...the flowers won't last that long!!)
Prior to going out that night, I had worked out at the gym and while exercising, I felt inspired by this idea to write each of my girlfriends a personal note expressing my gratefulness for their friendship and example in my life, and to give it to them that night at the party. These women inspire me so much in our vocations as wives and mothers. Each note was a little different, but here is what most of them said,
For my birthday this year, I have spent alot of time reflecting on the many blessings God has given me in my life. Something I find myself saying over and over again is how grateful I am for our amazing group of Catholic women that we have here in Franklin. I could never ask for a better group of friends to encourage and inspire me in our vocations as wives and mothers.
When Victoria died so soon after we moved here, I just couldn't understand why God had pulled me away from my family. But in all His loving wisdom, He knew I would be lifted up and immensely loved by our friends-our FAMILY- here. Please know that I will be praying for you and thanking God for our friendship on my birthday this year!

On Tuesday, my actual birthday, Bobby made us all breakfast (YUMMY), and then the kids and I went to Mass at St.Philip. It was so nice to start our day in prayer. After Mass, our dear friend Laura took Ava, Lucas, and I to Starbucks for a delicious coffee and a few pastries (Thank you Laura!!). For Lunch, we took sandwiches to the office and had lunch with Bobby. Taking the kids to the office to eat lunch with Bobby is one of my favorite things to do. It makes me feel so happy to see him instead of having to wait a full 8 hours! And finally that night for dinner, we went to Chuy's with our great friends the Kerseys. It was DELICIOUS and FREE (thanks to my girlfriends who gave me a gift certificate the night before! AND to our sweet sitter who graciously volunteered to babysit for free when she realized it was my birthday! You rock!!)

(Can you tell we are getting ready to move??? Boxes are stacked EVERYWHERE!! Our poor kitchen table is also the desk,office, puzzle table, and catch all!)
Overall, this year was one of my most memorable birthdays to date. Why? LOVE and GRATITUDE. It was a day filled with love as is every day, but God especially placed on my heart a spirit of gratefulness for the many blessings He has given me in my family and my friends.

Birthday Party Luau!

2010-07-30T08:15:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, we celebrated Ava and Lucas' birthdays with a big luau party at our pool. We had a blast! Gotta love the Dollar Tree because ALL our decorations came from there! MY favorite was the fruit bouquet that I made after my friend Lindsey inspired me! I also felt very Martha Stewart-ish when many a nap time was spent handpainting sand buckets for all the kids for their take home gifts! 22 in all! We are blessed by wonderful friends. Our friendships here in Franklin is definitely at the top of my list why I love living here!

God's Hand

2010-07-13T01:14:00.012-05:00

God will NEVER be outdone in generosity. He reveals this to me time and time again. I am so happy to share that after MONTHS of searching, we have found our DREAM HOME!! Now I could be jumping the gun a bit here since we are going to rent the home first for about 12-18mos, but we are hoping and praying to purchase the house at the end of that time period if financially we are ready. Anyways, I can not tell you how many hours I have poured over craigslist, realtracs, and trulia searching for a home to rent. We walked through SOO many homes that were just not right for us. I admit, I was kinda particular about what we wanted: Garage, backyard (preferably fenced in), bonus room, hardwood floors, open floorplan...I started a joke to Bobby asking him how many "frogs" were we going to have to kiss before we found our "prince"?? I mean, we came upon some real DUDS!
I was starting to think that maybe we were just going to have to stay in our apartment because I just wasn't sure that I wanted to settle on something and go through the pain of moving if we didn't absolutely love it. But we are truly busting at the seams in our 1200 sf apartment (which for the first 18mos that we lived there, I LOVED it- you can't beat how easy it is to clean!) But we really want more outdoor living space for our kids. I have this image of them coming inside with green grassy feet after a long day of playing outdoors!
We knew our budget and were committed to not going over it so that I could continue to work just one night a week at the Children's hospital. Thanks to our best friend Lauri (or Tory I should say ;) ), she gave us the greatest idea EVER! After telling her how all the rental houses were either asking too much rent or were in poor condition, she recommended that we write a letter and place it in the mailboxes of houses for sale that we were interested in and ask them if they would be interested in renting. Talk about a great idea! That opened SOO many doors for us, literally! So as our excitement grew, so did our disappointment as many times we got our hopes up about a house, only to be beat out by other renters, etc. Finally one Tuesday morning last week, I went to daily Mass and had the opportunity to go to Confession. During that time, I poured my heart out to God asking his forgiveness for the times recently where I have lacked trust in His will and begged him to purify my heart and my intentions so that I can let Him reign in my day and in my family. After spending that time with our parish priest, I felt so much peace in my heart. And no joke, within 48 hours, we received a phone call for this house! AMAZING!
We prayed and prayed on the way to this house and we spent Bobby's lunch hour on Thursday speaking with the owner of the home. He shared with us that the night before, he and his wife finally decided to rent their home and the next morning (the morning he called us), he went to his mailbox and found our letter. Crazy. By Friday night, we had reviewed the lease and then we sealed the deal on Sunday. We move in on September 1! Bobby and I have been on cloud 9 ever since!~ We are thrilled to have more space for our family and have room to grow! The best part of the house is the lot. It's one of the biggest in tne neighborhood and backs up to a huge common area, which is a really popular feature in Franklin neighborhoods. It has everything we hoped for and MORE: 2 car garage, fenced in yard WITH built in playset, 4 bedrooms, hardwood floors, spacious kitchen, double vanity in master bathroom, etc. Thank you Jesus!!!
The furniture in the house is not ours, it's the owners, so I will have to post pics again once we move it and get settled.

0052

2010-06-28T09:28:00.002-05:00

My wonderful grandfather, Eddie Morris, passed away peacefully in his sleep last night. My mom has had the blessing to spend this last week of his life right at his bedside in Tulsa, OK. When he passed away last night, we knew instantly that someone else was in the room with them- Victoria. For those of you who have seen one of my previous posts, 52 was Vic's favorite number and it is a number that I see ALL the time, in random and sometimes significant occasions. My mom's continual prayer while my grandpa had been sick was to be able to be with him when he went to Heaven, which was something that she did not get to share with Victoria. Well, God is good! I wanted to share with you the story my mom shared with all of us via email this morning when we woke up.
"The past few days I've been part of a bedside vigil of my dying father. We were told he could die any moment last week. My brother woke me up up last night for my turn to be with him. I was so grateful to be with Dad, as I wanted to see him go to to heaven, a chance I didn't have with Victoria but where I knew Victoria was waiting for him. I had been up many nights already and was exhausted so I put my head down, with my hand on his heart. I don't know how long I stayed that way, but suddenly I realized his heart had stopped beating. I looked up and Dad wasn't breathing. I was overcome, thinking I had missed Dad going to heaven, when suddenly his heart beat again. I called the nurses station and my mother and brother. His heart beat once more for us all and he was gone. Dad's time of death was 12:52 a.m. I later told the nurse about losing Victoria. I explained that Victoria's favorite number was 52 and was on her grave marker. I knew Victoria was with Dad when he died. The nurse with tears in her eyes said, We recorded your Dad's time of death in military time, 0052."
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of life and we continue to praise you even in the passing of life. You continue to console us beyond our deserving, and I thank you for the gift you gave us, especially my mom, last night when Grandpa passed away at 12:52am to be with you in Heaven. It's a small detail, but we find much consolation in it and in knowing that his suffering is over, and he is with you and Victoria watching over us. I love you. I love you Grandpa. I love you Victoria. Please help me to love greater and serve others more so that I can be with you for Eternity.

Ohh Lucas....

2010-06-23T01:45:00.002-05:00

Ohhh Lucas....I caught him playing so happily in the kitchen the other day, so I grabbed my camera (the video of all this is on my wall) and when I got over there, I realized why he looked taller than usual...and then, well it just ended poorly...Sorry Lucas! He is ok though of course. He actually didn't even cry!

Potty Training Day #187....(I'm not actually counting...)

2010-06-23T01:26:00.003-05:00

OMG...If someone would have told me back in January how much poop and pee I would be encountering and talking about over the course of the next 6 months, I would have thought you were crazy! But alas, after 6 long months with my sweet Ava, she has finally conquered her "fear?" of going #2 in the potty chair! And boy did we celebrate!!! Even Bobby joined in on the dancing and sharing of M&M's! :) SHe has been the funniest little girl when it has come to this situation because every time I would get her to try, she would look at me so sweetly with her big brown eyes and say, "No Mommy, I just have pee pee today." And then we would wash hands, she would go play in her room and within 5 minutes, we would be changing her dirty panties....:sigh: So I am hoping and praying that we have turned a corner/crossed over a hurdle/etc etc!

There Will Be a Day...

2010-05-13T03:47:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me since Victoria's death is a tremendous longing for Heaven. Living for eternity was an ideal that I always strived for, but never before was it ever so tangible in the sense that Heaven is the place where I will be united with Christ forever. And in that bond, I will be drawn closer to my sister. It's a longing that brings me to tears, esp when I listen to the song, There Will Be a day (It is the first song to play on my blog when it opens). Just close your eyes and breathe in every word. It's a breath of fresh air that brings hope, especially in tough moments when I am missing Victoria the most. This song brings me joy for Heaven, and my heart rejoices knowing that Victoria is in a place with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears.
"Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting"

Pics from our week long extravaganza in Atl!

2010-05-13T03:43:00.001-05:00

Oh Happy Day!!

2010-04-29T22:54:00.003-05:00

My sister Alex comes home from South Africa on Saturday!!! And oh my goodness, I cannot WAIT! I have missed her so much. Losing Victoria has really made me treasure my friendship and love with Alex. She is such an amazing young woman, and my family and I are soo proud of her hard work during her student teaching in South Africa. She has been there since January. We got to see her briefly over Easter which was bittersweet. She came in town for her fiance Tyler's little brother's funeral. It was so wonderful to see her, but our hearts were broken at Ross' passing away. It is amazing to ponder that in all of time, God destined Alex and Tyler to be united in marriage and He knew the bond they would one day share in losing their younger siblings. It will be a cross they will bear together that will strengthen their marriage in the best and worst of times. We do find peace and consolation as we ponder at times the laughter and friendship Ross and Victoria must share in Heaven as they were friends here on earth as well.

I have been working on little t-shirts for Ava and Lucas to wear when we pick up Alex from the airport with my parents. Instead of making a big welcome home banner, my kids are going to be the banner with the shirts I am making! I will post pics soon!
As I type this, my heart is just beaming with excitement at spending the next week at home with my sister and parents. I am so grateful for our bond as sisters, and when we are together, it is as if Victoria is right there with us as we share stories and memories with one another. I love you Victoria. I miss you so. You are in my heart always, and I look forward to the extra closeness we will all feel on Saturday as you join us in our homecoming for Alex!

Here is a link to the blog Alex kept while in South Africa. Some of her stories are so interesting!
http://grahamstown2010.blogspot.com/

Ava & Lucas at 10 months

2010-04-23T15:16:00.004-05:00

Lucas will be 10 months old tomorrow...I can't believe it! I thought it might be fun to compare photos of them at that age. Ava seems so much bigger to me at that age!

Update: He's not so Little anymore!!

2010-04-22T14:40:00.003-05:00

Yeah for Lucas! We had an appointment at the Dr today for a follow up/weight check and Lucas gained almost 2 lbs in one month! He now weighs 17lbs 13oz which puts him in the 5 percentile- better than last month! I was so relieved.
On to my sweetie Ava. She is such a doll and I love her so. It is AMAZING how much children pick up what we say to them or around them....Bobby and I have been working on manners with Ava, and one of the things we have been doing is when she apologizes to us regarding disobeying or acting out, etc, we make sure to look in her eyes and say, "I forgive you" (Thank you Lindsey G for being my example of this with your children!). So today, Ava was coloring with her friend Palmer and I told them it was time to pick up the crayons. Palmer accidentally knocked the crayons over and I heard Ava tell Palmer, "Palmer you need to say sorry."
P: "Sawwy"
Ava: "Ok, I forgive you"
Hehehe, I just thought it was cute because Palmer didn't really need to apologize for knocking over the crayons, but I think Ava just wanted to say, " I forgive you"!

Our little Little Guy

2010-04-16T03:12:00.003-05:00

Sweet Lucas...it's official: You are little! Ever since Lucas was about 3 months old, Bobby and I always found ourselves calling him our "little guy". At each of his check ups -3mo,6mo, and now 9mo- he was always measuring in on the small side and slowly decreasing in his percentiles, but at his most recent 9mo check up, it was time for an intervention. Poor guy officially "fell off" the growth curve measuring in at the 3rd percentile for height and <3%>

I continued to nurse him for a few weeks (which he was pretty much totally disinterested in) and would give him a 4-5oz bottle afterwards, which he almost always gulped down (geez louise...). I wasn't really ready to stop nursing, but Lucas clearly was. So ANYWAYS, we go back for a weight check next week, and according to our scales at home, he is definitely gaining weight- maybe almost 2lbs this month! I will post back with an update. In the meantime, it has been fun to come up with creative ways to fatten him up- doughnuts, pizza, icecream, reese's-hahhaa jk! He does eat alot of mashed avacados though! And I mix coconut oil-a really healthy source of fat- in almost all of his baby food. I hope it works!

See Her Soon

2010-03-26T01:46:00.002-05:00

Thank you Lord for the gift of my children for it is through them that I am SO often reminded of your delicate love for my family and I.
Today in the car, I was chatting away with Ava and asking her lots of questions (it's her favorite "game" other than Old McDonald!) like, "Are you my sweetie?" To which she replied, "Yes!"
"Are you my cutie?"
"Yes!"
And then I said, "Are you my angel?" She of course said, "Yes!" I then said, "Well you know Ava, you have another angel too. Our angel Victoria is our angel in Heaven. " What Ava said next was so simple, and even though I tried to hold them back, I started to cry as I relished in the truth of what she said. Ava said, "Yeah, we will see her soon." :Sigh: Man, I just miss her so much and sometimes soon just isn't soon enough and I really struggle with that. I tried to carry on our little conversation some more, but my mind was filled with the words my sweet little 2 and a half year old poured into my heart. "We will see her soon." Thank you God for speaking to me through Ava! Thank you for reminding me to continue seeking eternity every day. For knowing my heart so well to send me that consolation that I will someday see Victoria again. I love you.

SURPRISE!

2010-03-18T16:07:00.006-05:00

Well, I did it! A few weekends ago, I FINALLY was able to surprise my terribly-difficult-to-surprise husband! (Which is usually my fault because I usually accidentally spoil the surprise!) With the help of our wonderful friends, I threw him a SURPRISE 30th birthday party! I really got him too! He had noooo idea. I told him we were going out to dinner with our friends Branden and Lauri that night, so when we went to pick them up, he had no idea there was going to be a housefull of our dearest friends waiting for him inside. Since we are in an apartment right now, Branden and Lauri were so kind to let me use their house for the party. The theme was a "Dip party". Bobby has always had this idea of having a dip party where everyone comes and brings their favorite dip- cheese dip, spinach dip, hummus, veggie dip, etc etc. So he was extra thrilled when he realized he was finally getting to have his "Dip party" and of course we had to play the song "Da Dip"- you know, "When I dip, you dip, we dip!" :)

We all had the best time, and it was definitely a birthday to remember. I love you Bobby!

In every picture, I am just beaming...hahaha. I was sooo happy to surprise Bobby like this. It made me feel so good to pull something like that off for him because he is such a wonderful and loving husband and one of his favorite things is spending time with our friends. :)

Our Night Owl...

2010-03-09T04:49:00.003-06:00

Ohh Lucas, I do love you with ALL my heart, but must you wake up so much at night?? Like 3-5 times at night?? At least you are so charming and heart melting during the day that we quickly forget what a stinker you are at night! I mean, when you smile your big gummy smile at me in the morning and giggle your oh-so-infectious little laugh, how can I think about how ridiculously strong you are in the middle of the night when you arch your back and scream while I am trying to change your diaper and button the 5 darn buttons at the bottom of your pajamas?!

To say that we have tried most everything to aid you in creating a normal human sleeping routine at night would be an understatement. We lay you down awake with your passy and lovie after making sure your tummy is nice and full (but not too full because then you are grouchy and puke on us!) . Your daddy and I sing to you and kiss you and you fall asleep on your own. But for some reason, after about 2-3 hours, you wake up unable to find your passy (or the 3 other ones we have placed in there with you hoping that you WILL find it!). Usually after that, you wake up again about 1-2 hours later, but this time you put up a fight. You have even cried for 45 minutes straight once and STILL wanted our lovin' in the wee hours of the morning. Ohh Lucas, my sweet blue eyed little boy, you are so wonderfully made...but can you PLEASE reconsider your desire to sleep?? Your mommy and daddy will be so happy if you do.

52

2010-03-01T17:30:00.000-06:00

Ok Vic, you got me! After the bright yellow Jeep wranglers comes the number 52. It was her favorite number, and we even incorporated it into her funeral which began at 10:52am- a silly detail that simply provided my family a glimpse of laughter that day. Anyways, I no longer see the jeeps as much, but now I cannot escape the number 52 (not that I am trying by any means!) I wish I could type and explain every random occasion this number has popped up for me, but it sure does make me smile every time. Like "52 ways to lose weight this year", or calling her cell phone just to hear her voice on her voicemail and realizing I called her at 9:52pm, or printing off the Christmas in Heaven poem for my friends at 10:52am or noticing my friend Lauri's son's little sweater has the number 52 on it (which she then gave to me- so thoughtful!). There are sooo many more, and maybe I will try to post them here and there, but I just had to share this fun little fact going on in my life right now!

And yes, Branden and Lauri- I promise I will make a collage of them!

What's Your Name?

2010-02-23T13:56:00.000-06:00

Hehehe, Ava has been saying/asking some of the funniest things these days, but I think this has been my favorite:
Ava: "Mommy, whatchur name?" (I so wish I could type/imitate the way she says it!)
Me: "My name is Mommy. What's your name?"
Ava: "No, no, no Mommy. Whatchur NAME?"
Me: "Oh, well, my name is Katherine. What's your name?"
Ava: "I Ava. Wuts my name?"
Me: "Your name is Ava"
Ava: "I know. I Ava, but what's MY name?"
Me: "Your name is Ava."
Ava: "Ohhh. So what's Daddy's name?"

Anyways, we went on like this for a few minutes. It was so cute to watch her trying to figure this out.

A Powerful Story

2010-02-22T17:52:00.004-06:00

Every spring and fall, an event called 40 Days For Life takes place here in Nashville. Hundreds of families and individuals gather together over the course of 40 days to spend time in prayer specifically for an end to abortion and for all those souls whose lives are threatened by abortion. Another facet of the 40 days is to silently pray outside the abortion clinic here in Nashville for the women who are contemplating having an abortion and ending the life of their unborn child.

For the first time, Bobby and I went on a Sunday after church to pray with our children outside the abortion clinic. It was a powerful and moving experience to draw my heart as close as possible to the women who were entering those dreadful doors. No words were necessary, but as I stood there with Lucas in my arms and Ava in her stroller, my prayer was that perhaps their hearts could be stirred to see the beauty of their young lives. Bobby and I definitely intend to go back, especially after reading the following letter from a woman who DID have an abortion...This is a letter she wrote to her parish priest several years after having her abortion, expressing her pain and remorse.

Dear Father:

I have struggle with writing this letter. I truly feel called to do it, but at the same time, my heart still breaks every time I think of that day. March 6, 1998 - the fact that I was heading towards an abortion clinic hadn't set in yet. I was too busy begging the boy next to me to turn the car around. This boy was supposed to love me.

We'd been dating for over two years when we found out I was pregnant. The plan had been for us to get engaged in two years when he graduated college and marry the year after when I did. I figured this just moved the plan forward a bit. Neither of us had planned on a child yet, but he knew how I felt. We discussed what we would do if this situation popped up. He knew what I believed. He said he believed in a woman's choice and he would support me no matter what.

How naive I was Father. How I wished I had followed the Church's teaching and not had sex until I was married. You see, planning on marrying someone is not the same as actually marrying them. The support is not the same. I also learned the hard way that when the boy said he supported my right to choose, he really meant he supported my right to have an abortion.

This boy I loved had been slowly becoming a dominant force in my life. He had been sweet in high school, but in college jealousy and stress began to take over. I became something he could control and relieve his stress with. Never did I expect him to cross this line though.

I spent a week crying and begging. He spent a week shutting me out. He shoved, grabbed, yelled, and threatened. Then came March 6th: the day of my appointment at the abortion clinic. I was still trying to change his mind.

I told him I thought it was a boy. His name would be Michael. I told him regardless of what he believed, we could at least agree that the potential for life was inside me. If we did nothing, a beautiful child would grow and be born. For a moment I thought he would turn the car around. He just looked at me and said, "You're not going to let this be easy." Of course I wasn't; I didn't want to do it.

My mother had already told me I couldn't come home. I wasn't even allowed to come home just to give the baby up for adoption. She didn't want my siblings to think she approved. So, all my hopes rested on the boy who said he loved me; the boy who said it was my choice. Abortion was not my choice. I wanted my child, but he didn't care.

The closer we got to the clinic the harder I prayed. I prayed for protesters to be outside the clinic doors. I knew I could run to them. I knew they'd keep my child safe. But no one was there in the parking lot. There were no people holding signs. There was no one praying a rosary across the street, waiting to tell me everything would be alright. I was utterly alone.

When we entered the clinic my whole body was shaking with sobs. The lady at the check-in asked if we wanted to t talk to a counselor. The boy shook his head; I told her if we talked to a counselor I'd probably change my mind. She laughed. I had been trying to reach out, to tell her I needed help and she laughed like I made a joke.

The boy and I made our way to the waiting room and sat down. So many faces in there I'll never forget. I watched them go in one by one. My crying was almost uncontrollable now. My helplessness was engulfing me. I wondered why no one in that office came to check o me. Why didn't they say "You don't look ready to make this decision" or "We can't let you do this today" or "We insist you spend time with the counselor first."

No one did. They did come to tell me it was my turn to come down. I followed the lady down the stairs, changed into a gown and sat down with three other girls waiting my turn. I looked around and realized I couldn't do this. I didn't care if I couldn't go home. I would go somewhere, but not here.

I changed back into my clothes and walked up the stairs. I was about 100 feet from the door when he stopped me. I looked up into his face and told him I couldn't do this, we would figure something out. At that moment he grabbed my arm and asked the nurse if there was a room we could talk in. She sent us in a back room alone. She let him lead me away from that front door. She sent on one in to mediate, no one in to check on us.

I had to endure a half hour of hearing how he regretted ever knowing me. He told me that he would take out his hatred for me on this child. He grabbed my face, shoved me into a wall, looked down at me, and told me I could not leave. When I was allowed to leave that conference room, it was because he was sure I had no more fight left. He was sure I knew no one was going to help me.

I flipped him off as I headed back down the stairs. No one stopped me, but by this point I didn't expect it. I knew they weren't really there to help me. They wanted the same thing he did, to rip my child from my womb, to pretend my Michael never was.

The thing no one tells you about abortion is that you hear it. They give you meds to numb your body, but you are awake. I heard them scrape my baby from my body. I had nightmares about that sound for years.

Then I was moved to a recovery room. It was filled with recliners. I sat in one still crying. There was another girl across from me. I asked her how long she thought it would hurt. She gave me the clinical answer of about 4 weeks. No, I told her. How long do you think our hearts will hurt? The girl began to tell me her story, she began to cry as well. This was where the nurse finally intervened. She came and moved the girl away from me. Apparently it was not okay to show emotion for the loss of the children that never were.

Eventually I left that clinic and left that boy. I have never left that experience though. I have never been able to answer all my questions.

I know that it took about 6 years for me to stop having nightmares. I know that I stayed away from Church for about 4 years because I felt unworthy to be there. I know that I spent many nights after the birth of my children wondering what Michael would have been like. I know that I ask God to take care of my little boy in heaven. I know that God forgives. I know that I have been healed in this Church. I know that the pain in my heart will never go away. The past eleven years have dulled the pain, but it will never disappear.

What I don't know...is why I got so close to that door, but never made it out. Why was no one there to help me? Why did they let him take me alone into that conference room? Why did they let me go back down? Why wasn't I strong enough to keep fighting?

I'm not 18 anymore, Father. I am much stronger. While I cannot fight for Michael, I can fight for other women/girls like me. I can fight for children like Michael that deserve the life he never had. Please use this letter however you see fit. Let this experience become something for God's glory.

Love in Christ,
A member of the parish.

Rite of Passage! :)

2010-02-13T14:00:00.000-06:00

Sooo...I drive a minivan now...

Bobby and I have been talking about this purchase for a while now. In fact, when we bought our Mitsubishi Montero SUV a year ago, Bobby was pushing for us to look at vans, but I said, "No way Jose!" My argument was that I was only 24 and pregnant with our 2nd baby. Well, well well. Fast forward 6 months, 2 babies, and one too many roadtrips with me squeezed in the backseat like a sardine in between two carseats, and well, we are now the proud owners of a 2004 burgundy Toyota Sienna! It must have been meant to be that we got it because I have been looking at vans on craigslist for a while now. I really wanted one that was a 2003 or higher model and the best perk would be a DVD player, but it would not have been a deal breaker. Our budget was $9,000 and so we were having a tough time finding one in that price range.

One day Bobby came across one that we both really liked. It was a 2004, had a DVD player, one owner, and in great condition! And it was only $7500! The only con was the mileage: 144K. Bobby talked to the guy, and we got to know him and he was so excited when he learned that Bobby worked for Dave Ramsey. And it turned out that his wife works at the same hospital as me. Anyways, we started to feel comfortable with this family that we were potential buyers for. BUT we still needed to sell my Montero in order to pay cash for the van. So last Saturday, we took a few pics of the Montero and listed them on Craigslist. No joke, within 7 minutes, we had received 3 emails and one phone call asking about the car. We sold it the next day!! Not only that, we sold it for $150 more than we paid for it a year ago! Craziness!

After the whirlwind of selling our Montero so quickly, we called the Sienna guy and the van was still available. We talked about it and prayed about it and bought it! As much as I was so not into driving a van 1 year ago, I really do like it. It was a major rite of passage for me!Not to mention, it's a tremendous blessing that we were even able to find it at just the right time for our family.

So that's it. A nice long blog about our "new" minivan!

Lucas felt like such a big boy in Ava's carseat! Not yet little guy!

On Being a Wife

2010-02-02T20:39:00.002-06:00

Wow, a friend of a friend of mine wrote this, and it encouraged me so much and helps me in my appreciation, love, and respect for my husband Bobby.

On being a wife

I have been blessed to know a lot of women who are good wives. I don't mean good mothers, homemakers, or money managers. I mean women who love their husbands beautifully and treat him as a gift from God. Specifically, I think of my Aunt Ange. She and I talk all the time about marriage. She has about a 12 year head start on me. I want our daughters to know this wisdom if God calls them into marriage. So, if for some reason I am not around when they are wives, I want to write to them this wisdom.

1. I try to give John 30 minutes when he gets home without asking anything of him. Nothing. I want him to be glad he's home and not put directly to task.

2. They have been working all day and are HUNGRY. Most of the time, dinner isn't ready, so try setting out cheese, crackers, and a beer. I remember being excited to do this when we were first married, but have forgotten to the more children we have had. I want to return to that. Even if it is carrots and dip or chips and salsa, I want him to have something to munch on while I finish dinner. More importantly, you are saying "Welcome home, thank you for being here."

3. My aunt told me that it is so easy to forget that after a baby is born and really anytime in general, your husband needs a break too. I specifically said after a baby because that is when I feel most overwhelmed and occupied. Their lives "seem" to not have changed as drastically as the mother's have. They go to work like usual, sleep through the night like usual, but they have changed. They have another soul they are responsible for, a wife to hold, comfort, and encourage in the early days of postpartum. Mainly, I just want John to know that I am not taking him for granted. I know it feels as though I've not looked at you in the face for a couple weeks, but I SEE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING.

4. Please take time to notice all the small things your husband does. THIS is up there on the most important. From sweeping the floor, holding the baby, making a bottle, warming up the car, dropping you off so you don't have to walk in the cold, getting your coat, bathing the children, putting people to bed, reading a story, offering to help, taking the trash out, telling you how nice you look, always giving you the bigger portion. Please notice and say thank you.

5. Never correct your husband especially IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. No one likes to be humiliated, but why would you do this to the person you took vows to and promised to love until the end of your days. It is our job to correct our children, not our husbands. If something needs to be discussed, it should be done in private. I remember an incident once when we were with friends and our husbands were involved in a very loud and crazy athletic game. We were all staying in a hotel and I remember a lot of the wives really chiding their husbands for being so loud and inconsiderate of others in the hotel and made them quit playing. I may have agreed, but I do not feel it was my position to put John in his place and tell him to stop. He is a mature, considerate adult and can decide those things for himself. I said to myself, "He wouldn't be partaking in this if he didn't think it was appropriate."

6. Never, ever bash their job. It would be the same as them bashing our motherhood. It is much more personal to them than we know. We are to be their voice of encouragement, not their voice of doubt. It may require being content on a meager salary, but being their support will only create strength.

7. Be content with what you have. Most men want to please their wives and give her beautiful things. To make them feel as though it isn't enough, will lead down a path that has no end. What's next? It is a trap. You cannot say to yourself, "Once I build a beautiful home, then I will be content." No, we must be content with what we have now and make that beautiful.

8. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG. It will only make him flee if not physically, he will mentally. He, like you, will make mistakes. My friend was so angry at her husband for wrecking their car. Really? Since he did it, on purpose? No, it was an accident. Say to yourself, "He would never hurt me on purpose." He will do things that you think are wrong. Guess what, you will do things that he thinks are wrong too. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG. DO NOT NAG.

9. The teenage years are about YOUR MARRIAGE. My mom says that nothing tests your marriage more than teenagers. Please remember what really is going on. The devil is trying to ruin this marriage, to separate us, to put us at odds against each other. "Divide and Conquer" is his motto.

10. Lastly, but most importantly- Intimacy. My aunt and I have talked endless hours about this issue. I do not want to seem unladylike to even bring up such an issue on a blog, but the value of understanding this issue in marriage is so very important and so very personal. You want your husband to know that "I am always here for you, to love you, to know you." So unless I am in the Emergency Room or have the flu, you want your husband to know that "I, too, want to be with you." Please do not misunderstand my words. Life presents itself in many different forms, but the underlying message is that you want your husband to not feel this is a source of contention between the two of you. The world paints this issue as "that selfish husband who doesn't understand his tired wife." No, really, he just wants to be with the one he loves most and that is his perfect form of expression to her.

Love your husband desperately. The time, effort, and love you put into your marriage will only produce beautiful fruit. It is easy to be a good mother. Loving your own offspring is natural. It is saintly to be a good wife. It is against our nature to give so selflessly, so continually, so diligently to someone whom we didn't produce. Nurture your marriage. Protect your marriage. Your children will come and go, but we will always be with our husbands. Cherish that.

My Parents on the news

2010-01-23T12:43:00.002-06:00

Since Victoria's death, my parents have become advocates in helping get the message out about the dangers of text messaging while driving. Fox news contacted my parents last week and interviewed them in light of a bill being proposed to make it illegal to text while driving in Georgia. My parents chuckled because after an hour long interview, they only showed about 5 seconds of what they shared, but that's ok, because the message still gets across! I am so proud of the strength of my mom and dad to be able to share about Victoria (over and over again- this is not the first time they have been interviewed since her death- even the Oprah show called my mom!) and help others learn from her accident. So don't text message and drive!!

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpp/news/ga.-considers-texting-while-driving-ban-011910

My Cutie Little Babes!

2010-01-08T17:52:00.004-06:00

So my new way to blog is "working out" in the cafe at the YMCA while my kiddos are in the nursery! Hehe! Bobby was like, "Are you sure you can do that?" I hope to type more later, but Bobby and I have a date night tonight, so I gotta get home and get ready! Just had to post these sweet pictures of Ava and Lucas. That is my dad in the first one. Lucas looks alot like him I think!

Christmas with our King

2009-12-11T03:36:00.009-06:00

Where to start? Needless to say, I have "written" about 8 blog entries in my brain over the past few weeks, but that's about where they stay! I have been pondering so many thoughts and emotions as we entered into the holiday season last month starting with Thanksgiving. I was having trouble figuring out how I wanted to live out this time of year knowing in my heart that EVERYTHING would be different with Victoria gone. Am I sad? Blue? Joyful? Lighthearted?? I couldn't figure it out.

WELL! Again, undeserving as I am, God continues to reveal himself to me and my family as He comforted us over the Thanksgiving break as only a loving Father can. Victoria was truly there with us as we shared our Thanksgiving meal with 47 of our family members inside the gathering area of my Grandma Heil's church! The most touching part of the day for me was when my sweet cousin Mary Grace walked up to Alex and I with a yellow box in her hand. Inside was a beautiful angel that she had made. It was not just any angel though, it was Victoria :) Our Victoria angel had blond hair, blue eyes, and was wearing a blue dress. Mary Grace wanted us to open this gift before we began eating, so that Victoria could sit next to us at the table and be a part of our Thanksgiving dinner. WOW. Talk about God reaching His hand straight down from Heaven to give us this gift from the love of my cousin. Mary Grace, thank you so much. I love you. I can't tell you how much your thoughtfulness meant to me in that moment. Whenever one of my friends asks me how our Thanksgiving was, I always share with them how special you made it for my family.

Now on to Christmas. Again, WOW! I have recently met a mother from my church who lost her 19yr old daughter about a year and a half ago, also from a car accident. She and I talked for about 2 hours the other day, and I shared with her my concerns about our first Christmas as a family without Victoria. Victoria LOVED Christmas, as we all do, but she especially LOVED this time of year. I felt so torn because I wanted to feel happy for Vic's sake and live this Advent season with a penitent heart, but also with joy and anticipation of Christ's birth. A deep sadness kept creeping in and well, I was just struggling. BUT pls note all the past tense I am using! My whole disposition changed though after talking to this mom and hearing how her family used their first Christmas after their daughter died as a way to share with their friends and family the joy and peace they carried in their hearts knowing that Kelly (the daughter) was in Heaven! One of the things that they did was send out a Christmas card with a poem inside. I tell you, this poem healed my heart as my eyes brimmed with tears the first time I read it and as I type it now. Instead of feeling sad that my sister is not going to be with us for Christmas, I now rejoice realizing that she will be experiencing the BEST Christmas EVER! Christmas with our King!!

Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
but don’t worry, I am joyful, even though we’re far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I’m spending Christmas in heaven walking with the King.

Christmas Morning 2008- 3 Days before Victoria died.

Bobby and I's wedding June 2006. One of our last family photos and one of our favorites

The Love of my Children

2009-11-18T14:47:00.007-06:00

Ava LOVES Lucas and I really think he loves her too! It is so beautiful to see the joy that my children bring each other, and this joy simply reinforces for me how important it is to be open to God's will in His plan for our family and how many children we will have! I love how when people ask me how many children BObby and I will have, it seems as though they are expecting me to say, "3. That's all."or "We're done" But instead, I get to say, "You know, I'm not really too sure! I guess we will just see what God has in store for our family!" Yes, some days are definitely demanding with 2 little ones, but oh the warmth I experience from their love and slobbery kisses. And to think that if Lucas was not here, I would not be able to share with you the sweetest pictures I am about to post!

All About Ava!

2009-10-28T18:22:00.006-05:00

This post is inspired by some of my friends who have cleverly used their blog as a way to "keep up" with our kids' baby books without actually writing in them...for now! The idea of sitting down at home and jotting down all these memories with cute colored pens in pretty handwriting while bouncing Lucas in my lap just sounds disastrous! Hahaha! But typing them up on my blog while I sit in my workout clothes at the YMCA while the little ones are in the nursery- Perfect! So this one is for you my sweet Ava.

You are 2 years and 3 months old, and you are a wild child. You love your passy and nigh nigh bear despite how hard I am trying to only let you have them at bedtime and naptime. You love to "kulor" in your Elmo coloring book. You LOVE Dora and Boots and cry when Tv time is over. You give the best kisses...when you want to. You have light blonde hair that is getting a bit unruly but luckily you let me put it in "piggies" so I can see your pretty brown eyes. You love avocados, but hate pretty much every other veggie...You like to sit on the potty even though you never pee in it. You LOVE Lucas. You especially love it when I put him in your crib with you and you pretend he is your baby. I brush your teeth when you take your bath at night. You think that's silly. You LOVE to play "I'm gonna getchu!" with Daddy and squeal with delight when he chases you around the apartment. You like to brush my hair. You and your friend Gavin are the biggest trouble makers when the two of you are together, but secretly I love your little mischievous side! You love "Palmey" and you are teaching each other how to share...painfully sometimes for your mommies! You do not like your hands to be dirty. You love to play the silly faces game with me. You like to try to give Lucas your passy. and your sippy. and your food...You love to dance. You know that when we go to Church, we are going to spend time in prayer because when we pull in the parking lot, you tell me that we are going to see "Geesus". You are not pottytrained. You still sleep in your crib (thank goodness!) and you take 3 hour naps. I'm still not sure if you sleep the whole time, because sometimes I peek in at you and you are standing in your crib looking through your blinds out the window or you are reading a book. Ava, your Daddy and I love you so much. You make me crazy sometimes, but when you lay your head on my shoulder at night as I sing our prayers to you, I melt against your sweet face.

Here a few of my favorite videos of Ava as well:

Ava didn't learn to crawl until she was about 8mos old. She was getting close in this video when she was 7mos old and it was so darn cute to watch her try!

Ava LOVES to play Peek-A-Boo and of course boxes provide tons of entertainment!

Chili Cook-Off!

2009-10-17T15:39:00.006-05:00

Today we went to a small little town called Leiper's Fork. Every year in October they hold the Leiper's Fork Chili Cook-Off. We went last year, and it was so much fun! Bobby was counting down the days until the event this year! It was definitely a cold afternoon, so chili was the perfect way to keep warm. We went out there with Branden and Lauri O'Neil and their gang, and had a great time trying to keep up with all our kids while keeping them warm but not spilling any chili on anyone! (Especially the babies since they were being held by Lauri and I!- I think Finn and Lucas came home with a little chili on their hats! hehe)

Right before we left, Branden took a few family pictures for us. Unfortunately we were WAY past Ava's naptime, so she was not such a happy little 2 yr old..hence why there aren't quite as many pics of her today as there are Lucas! I did catch some breathtaking pics of Lucas' eyes. They shine such a brilliant blue that I almost get emotional just looking at them knowing in my heart that they are a gift from Victoria :) Love you Vic!

Victoria's Birthday Weekend

2009-10-13T04:22:00.007-05:00

I am probably picking a bad time to post about Victoria's birthday weekend (it's 4:23am and I am at work...tired), but I have been meaning to post about it for over a week now because it was the most beautiful, God-filled weekend ever. I have to preface that I was pretty much dreading Victoria's birthday on Oct.2, not out of disrespect or hiding from the truth, but I just wasn't sure what to expect. My family and I are coming up on a tough time of year these next few months. Every month from now till the end of the year will have a "first" without my sweet sister here with us. First birthday. First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Year. Oh man, lump in throat.

As her birthday approached, I seriously considered staying here in Nashville instead of driving home to be with my family. Selfishly, I was tempted to try to let the day pass like any normal day, but boy am I ever so grateful for my beautiful husband who knows my heart so deeply. When I shared with him that I secretly didn't want to go home, he delicately urged me to think through why I felt this way, and on the day of Victoria's birthday would I feel better avoiding it rather than trying to make something special of the day by spending it with my family in ATL. Of course he was right, and I took his advice straight to the heart and my parents, Alex, and I did just that- we were able to experience God's joy and faithfulness as we shared together Victoria's first birthday without her here. Bobby unfortunately had to stay in TN because Vic's birthday was on a Friday, and I left early Friday morning to go home and he could not miss work.

As soon as I arrived in Atl, we drove to the cemetary to bring Victoria some pink roses and meet an older couple who had been trying to contact us regarding Victoria and her untimely death. One of Vic's friends, Brittany, had arrived at the cemetary before us and had decorated her gravesite with beautiful flowers, butterly confetti, balloons, and a great big butterfly balloon. It was amazing and so touching. This couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kumar were waiting to greet us. You see, they also had a child buried in the same cemetary, a son named Victor. He died 2 yrs ago of a massive heart attack at age 37. They faithfully visit his grave every Saturday and one day they came across Victoria's grave not too far from where their son is buried. The wife immediately felt a closeness to my mom because she could empathize with losing a child so young, and their names were also similar. From that day on, they have been cleaning off Victoria's gravesite every Saturday and had been trying to find a way to contact my family to meet us. To make a long story short, Mr. Kumar was finally able to leave a voice mail for my parents and explained how they had been looking after and praying over Victoria's grave every Saturday. My parents were extremely touched by their kindness and so decided to meet them at the cemetary on Victoria's birthday.

I could go on and on about the compassion of this couple, but I will just say this- when I looked into the eyes of Mr. Kumar as we talked about my sister and his son, I felt as though I were looking into the eyes of Christ. He looked at me with such a loving and tender gaze, and I felt such a peace standing in the presence of someone who had been a stranger just 3 minutes prior! I can't really describe it, but instead of feeling sadness as we stood over my sister's grave on her birthday, I felt a deep warmth that penetrated my heart and filled me with such an unexpected joy! As I type this, I am almost chuckling at how God made himself present to me on that day, not in the form of a beautiful angel, but rather a short wrinkly older Indian man with dark eyes-yet the kindest eyes I have ever seen. We spent most of the morning visiting with him (after we left the cemetary, we all went to Starbucks together and shared pumpkin lattes and pictures of Victor and Victoria).

One of the most incredible parts about us meeting was when the Kumars talked about the day my mom contacted them for the first time. Mr. Kumar had left my mom a few messages before she finally called back. She hesitated to call back at first not sure of his intentions, and why he was so interested in meeting our family even though we were all really touched by them taking care of Vic's grave in between our weekly visits. On a Saturday afternoon in late August, my mom called them back and left a message. WELL, it turns out that the exact day and time that my mom called the Kumar's was the 2yr anniversary and exact time of their son Victor's death. My mom obviously had no idea of this, but for the Kumar's, it was an immediate confirmation that our families were destined to meet! It was a great morning and afternoon spent with them!

The rest of Victoria's birthday was spent doing some of her favorite things. That night at her high school's football game, all the cheerleaders released blue balloons in honor of her birthday right at kickoff. Then we ate dinner at La Parilla (her FAVORITE restaurant-mine too!) as a family. We had such a wonderful time together at dinner and shared our favorite parts of VIctoria's birthday (mine was obviously spending time with the Kumar's!). Favorite's ranged from random butterflies showing up in places to simply spending time together. Ava's favorite part was dancing to the mariachi band at dinner! She was so cute.

On Sunday, we invited a few of Victoria's friends to join us in planting the beginnings of a garden at the cemetary. We started with planting 3 crape myrtles (sp?), and it looks so wonderful! They will bloom white. It was a great day filled with love and God's blessings as we celebrated the memory of my sweet sister and her birthday.

Lucas- A swimmer?!

2009-10-08T22:00:00.003-05:00

Oh how I love this child. He does this EVERY time he takes a bath! It brings Bobby and I so much joy to watch him "swim" in his bathtub. Kristi, if you're reading this, sounds like Gabriel and Lucas are going to be swimming buddies!!

Florida Beach Trip 2009!

2009-10-06T13:23:00.005-05:00

So the days of laying out by the ocean reading a book basking in the sun for hours upon hours I fear are over! Vacation at the beach is still wonderful, but perhaps not quite as relaxing with a 2 year old and 3 mo old in tow!
Every September, Bobby and I go to the beach in Florida with his family. My first time going with them was when we were engaged, and we have gone every year since. It is neat to see how our vacation has changed now that Bobby and I have 2 children and his sister Angie who comes with her husband every year has 2 young children as well. This year we had a 3mo old, 1yr old, 2yr old, and 3yr old! Whew! It was a crazy week.
By the end of the week, Ava was OVER the beach. She did not like the sand nor the salty water and insisted that only I hold her in the water which was difficult to do considering we had Lucas on the beach with us! Bobby and I decided that next year we are going to bribe, pay, and manipulate my sister Alex to come with us and help with our little ones! hehehe But hey- she will be getting a trip to the beach too right? Nonetheless, we had a great time together and made some wonderful memories!

I love this picture. Bobby is throwing Ava into the air and she was in heaven playing with her Daddy!
One of the moments where Ava didn't mind the sand when she realized there were little seashells buried in it!
Ava and her cousin Alyssa- they are so cute together and look a little bit alike too!
Family pic- well sorta...when we took this picture, I didn't realize Bobby had his fingers in his mouth! When I asked him why he did that, he said Lucas wanted the guys to look alike...nice!

Cutie little guy!

Love this! My father-in-law bought Ava and Alyssa pink angel wings and Ava
wanted to wear hers ALL the time!

Bobby and his babies!

His Sweet Baby Blues!

2009-10-01T04:03:00.003-05:00

I have been meaning to post about this for a while...Lucas has blue eyes (and not just the steel gray color that may eventually change-they are like a light ocean blue)...Bobby nor I have blue eyes-his are brown and mine are a miriad of colors, but we will just call them hazel. What is so amazing though is Victoria had blue eyes :) This is such a precious gift to me that my son has her eyes. My family and I like to think that Victoria arrived in Heaven and after realizing that my baby was going to be a boy, she said something like this, "Ok, God, so since he can't have my name (if Lucas had been a girl, he would have been named Addison Victoria), can he at least have my eyes??" :) And then God smiled, winked, and blessed my sweet Lucas with his Aunt Victoria's beautiful blue eyes.

Should be sleeping...

2009-09-10T21:45:00.005-05:00

I worked last night at the children's hospital and only got to sleep about an hour and a half today because sweet Lucas decided he didn't feel like sleeping much today...might be because he slept from 7pm-7a for Bobby!! Unbelievable! Anyways, I am up, kids are sleeping, Bobby is out watching the Titans game, and I am awake missing Victoria so bad. Distractions come easy these days, but when a quiet moment comes, a heaviness in the depths of my heart rises up and my eyes immediately burn with tears. I start to feel overwhelmed when I think that she is gone forever and my longing for Heaven becomes so intense. I don't want to be 30, 50, or 70 years old without my sweet sister, but I know that is what God has asked of me and my family for now. She is wrapped in His tender arms now, but I so wish she could be in mine. I hate that she is gone. Sometimes I just want to cry out how much this hurts, and I suppose that's why I am typing this because it's too hard to talk about. I can dry the tears so quickly when I need to, but right now I just don't want to. Lord, please be with me. I know you are near.
Oh goodness, I need to change the subject! I am a mess behind this keyboard. Something I have been meaning to post about is how I don't see yellow jeeps anymore. At first I was so disappointed, but then as I was reflecting about it, I realized the timing of when I stopped seeing the yellow jeeps everyday was right after Lucas was born. God's love is so delicate, and it is as if Victoria was looking after me and staying close every day up until our new life came to us in Lucas. I feel like she stayed close to me until Lucas came to share in that closeness of my heart. It's amazing really. I still see her yellow Jeep every once in a while when I am having a hard day, almost like a reminder that she is still with me and knows when my heart is heavy. Thank you Victoria for loving me the way you do. For 18 years, you were my little sister with the blonde curly hair and now you are my angel in Heaven. I talk to Ava about you every day. I tell her that her aunt "Tor-Tor" is her angel in Heaven watching over us.
Below are pictures from her grave marker that finally arrived a few weeks ago. It's beautiful and so perfect. Deer often come out of the woods when we are there. It's pretty incredible. I tried to make the picture large so you can read the poem on it. Victoria wrote that in high school, and it's a perfect memoir for her. I will try to type up the poem and post it later. It's special because my mom put it up on the fridge the day she typed it up (I think she was in 10th grade) and it has been on our fridge ever since.

My family and I love this poem because Victoria completely captured so many of our family memories growing up. I love it!

My South by Victoria Heil.
My South is long Sundays at the Parish Picnic, painting faces and going on hayrides. In my South, lemonade stands on the sewer filled our cups with quarters in the summer heat. My south is like a painting where only my Dad and our bikes exist on the top of a red clay mountain. In my South, nights were lit by marshmallows on fire after a lazy day of splashing in the creek. My South is that millisecond moment ten feet in the air after my uncle airborne my tube at the lake. In my South, hours of laughter consume a family night of cribbage and dominos at the kitchen table. My South is having bottle rocket battles in the cul-de-sac following a long afternoon at Stone Mountain. In my South, I’m distinguished on humid days as the blonde girl with a full head of frizzy curly hair. My South is sitting in the rocking chairs outside Cracker Barrel awaiting a huge brunch of cheesy grits. My name is Victoria Heil, and this is my South.

Table Dancing Already??

2009-09-05T12:47:00.004-05:00

Hehehe! Ava is soo sneaky! She is beginning to learn that while I am nursing Lucas, she has a bit more freedom to get into trouble...so today while I was feeding the baby, I heard her playing behind me near her highchair. All of a sudden, I hear her saying loudly, "Dance Dance dance!" I turn around and she has managed to climb on top of our kitchen table and is dancing with her "crazy feet" like a wild child! I tried hard to be serious as I told her to get down, but I couldn't keep a straight face as I watched my 2 year old dance on our kitchen table.
This video is not of Ava dancing on tables, but she does love to dance! This is a video of Ava and her friend Palmer gettin' down with their wild side! -You will have to mute the music that plays on my blog (scroll to the very bottom and hit pause) in order to hear the music in the video.

My path to Holiness = Baby spit up!

2009-09-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

Ok so as I type this my precious children have full tummies, clean diapers, clean clothes, and are sleeping comfortably in their beds….I on the other hand am still in half (I will explain!) of my sweaty workout clothes, dehydrated, and covered in spit up…what a day!! The great thing is that I know God has given me the grace to endure moments like these in my vocation as a mother, and I am grateful for the laughter which follows which is why I decided to blog about what has just transpired in my house…

The morning started out pretty well. Ava has a minor meltdown, but a meltdown by itself is not so bad. It only gets weary when a meltdown is coupled with a crying, hungry infant or something like that. Luckily that was not the case this morning. We go to the YMCA so I can go walking outside with my girlfriend Leann. Our walk was great and then afterwards the kids and I went to a playdate at the park. All was well up until we got home. I cleaned up Ava, changed her diaper, and put her down for a nap. Piece of cake. Lucas on the other hand was furious with me! Poor guy had a huge diaper and even though he had just eaten at the park was acting like he was starving. But I didn’t mind because I knew feeding him would help settle him down into a nap. Meanwhile I am still in my sweaty workout clothes, so I decide to at least change shirts, but all I managed to do was take off my sweaty one and didn’t bother putting a clean one on. I didn’t really think twice about it since I am in the privacy of my home and I at least had on my sports bra…So I change his diaper and sit down to nurse him. Now Lucas is a puker, which has been a big adjustment for me. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like getting puked on. I have gotten better at wearing his spit up more gracefully, but in the beginning, I would get so frustrated! Anyways, I pick him up to burp him and BAM! He spits up HUGE! There goes everything he just ate…all down my back, all over the chair behind me…AND since I had made the decision to not put on a clean shirt…well, let’s just say the spit up made it ALL the way down my back… like into my undergarments! But before I could clean myself off, Lucas BLOWS out in his diaper and then I reach over and realize that I have LEAKED milk all over myself because I forgot to put on a nursing pad. So now I am covered in spit up from Lucas, milk from me, and Lucas needs another diaper change! Again, God is so faithful because I am just laughing at this point. I quickly try to clean myself off but realized that the spit up was in that part of your back that is practically impossible to reach on your own. I was desperate to feel clean and could not take a shower at this point, so you will probably think I am ridiculous, but I called my girlfriend Leann who lives in the apartment above us and asked her if I could run up there really quickly. So I ran upstairs, baby wipes in hand, and like the great friend that she is, she proceeds to wipe the spit up off my back. Love you girl! At this point I am relieved, I am thinking that I can go downstairs and change Lucas and put him to bed. We almost got there except as I was rocking him to sleep he PUKED on my again…except this time it was all over my front which was still lacking the necessary clothing. So in the span of about 10 minutes, almost my entire outfit ended up with spit up on it –both undergarments and my pants! But now both babies are sleeping and I’m off to the shower!

Thank you Lord for the beautiful gift you have given me in my children. They are truly my means to holiness as I learn to love them and be patient with them in difficult moments. I thank you for my husband who is so patient with ME when I have had a rough day. I beg you for the grace to continue living my vocation as wife and mother with simplicity, love, and tons of laughter! And Victoria, I just know you were laughing at me today…hope I made you smile! I love you and miss you so much.

Mwah! My Sweet Babies!

2009-08-26T16:14:00.004-05:00

Wow, the summer has FLOWN by! I wish I had kept up with our blog better, but we have definitely been staying busy. Most week days our morning starts with breakfast for Ava, nurse Lucas, throw on my gym clothes, grab a granola bar and we are out the door headed to the YMCA. My friend Lauri used to go practically every day and would plan her activities around her time at the YMCA, which I never fully understood until now! It's because going to the Y is the one time during the day where I am pretty much guaranteed at least an hour to use my brain and energy almost completely for myself! I LOVE IT! (sounds selfish, but let me explain!) I love knowing that my little ones are having fun and being loved on in the nursery while I get to exercise for an hour and if the sun is out, I even have been laying out by the pool for an hour! It's so crazy! At first I felt uneasy about leaving them in the nursery 3-4 mornings a week, but then I realized that this workout time was helping me be a better mom as I have had more energy to give to them-not to mention that it helps my brain function on a slightly higher level- I think! hahaha!

Our evenings are spent hanging out with our friends for dinner or game nights or simply just together at home. We have enjoyed grilling out by the pool which I will definitely miss once it gets too cold. Ava LOVES swimming and Lucas and I are great on-lookers as Ava and Daddy show us how they swim together :)

C'Mon Fishie!

2009-08-08T22:31:00.002-05:00

While at my grandparent's lakehouse, my grandma taught Ava how to fish...Ava had great technique! hehehe!

We are still Alive!

2009-08-08T22:25:00.004-05:00

Hahaha, man, I have been trying so hard to update our blog with what we have been up to...but it always seems to be past 10pm when I finally have a chance to sit down and actually use my brain to type something up...but by then (like right now) I am too tired...so I will try again tomorrow! In the meantime, here are a few pics from our lakehouse trip last month.

Who's Who??

2009-07-07T21:35:00.003-05:00

This is great! One of these pictures is Ava and one is Lucas. But who is who?? We took each of these pics after their first bath and thought it would be fun to capture them in the same towel! We were shocked at how similar they look!

It's A BOY! Baby Lucas is finally here!

2009-07-02T10:28:00.003-05:00

Well, our Baby Story began a week before Lucas was actually born. I had been contemplating the whole castor oil thing for a couple of days, but was too afraid to do it because I feared the awful side effects (castor oil is a potent laxative, but has also been proved to help induce labor). But on Wednesday, 3 days before my due date, I told my girlfriend Lauri that the only way I would drink it is peer pressure! haha! So what do you know, later that night, Lauri and her husband Branden and their 3 kids show up at our apartment, castor oil in hand! To make a long story short, I drank 2 tablespoons and then we went out to Mexican for dinner! We got home, I packed my bags, cleaned the apartment, and went to sleep just hoping that maybe I would go in to labor that night. Well, no such luck. All I got was the INTENDED side effect of castor oil that morning. At least I got to start my post-baby diet early, because I think I lost like 4 pounds that day! Hahaha!
Saturday, my due date, came and went like no big deal, just an ordinary day...it was the longest day ever! Same with Sunday and then Monday...at my Dr's appt on Monday, I was ready to just be induced, but much to my dismay, the earliest date they could induce me was that Friday-5 days later! I was so disappointed. The best part of not going into labor before Tuesday was that I got to participate in our first Mom's group gathering at my parish that I helped get started. We all joked that maybe God was keeping the baby in until after our first meeting, so that I could be there with all my girlfriends! Well that afternoon, without thinking too long about it, I took more castor oil while Ava napped....I basically finished off the bottle...4 tablespoons of thick oil...ugh...not fun. When Bobby got home from work, we even went to the YMCA, and I worked out on the elliptical machine for 20 minutes! My goal was 30 minutes, but the castor oil started kicking in, so needless to say, we left the Y! That night, a few contractions-irregular and short ones-started to kick in. Bobby and I got kinda excited, but decided to try to go to bed in case this was really going to be it. We were blessed with 6 hours of peaceful sleep and then at 6:30am on June 24-Bobby and I's 3rd wedding anniversary, I FINALLY began going into labor!
My ideal labor experience was to labor at home as long as possible, go to the hospital, get an epidural and deliver a less than 9lb baby with no tearing! For about 3 hours, I had short contractions every 2.5-3.5 minutes apart. I was able to talk through them, so I knew we still had a long ways to go. Around 9:30am, they started spacing apart, and we got kinda discouraged, but soon they started getting more and more intense. Finally around noon, we called my friend Corinne to come get Ava and we decided to go to the hospital. We were placed in a triage room around 12:30 and our nurse Jill (LOVE HER!) told me that they would watch me for 2 hours and if I didn't progress (believe it or not, I was only 3cm when I got to the hospital-I was 2 cm at my appt on Monday), I would probably have to go home. I thought to myself, "there is NO WAY I am going back home! I am 4 days PAST my due date!!" Luckily, 2 hours later, I had managed to dilate to 5cm and my contractions were getting REALLY REALLY intense. I was ready for the epidural!! BUT, I was still in the triage room! So amid killer contractions, I had to get an IV and go in a wheelchair to our labor and delivery room. It was pretty rough. As soon as I got in our new room, I was almost in tears. But I knew I couldn't start to cry because then I would lose control over my breathing and the contractions would just get worse. So with Bobby by my side, my hero, we made it through some of the worst pain I have ever experienced. I managed to get through each one simply my remembering that they didn't last forever and we would soon be meeting our precious baby _____! At one point, I remember telling Bobby to start praying with me, and he beautifully began whispering a prayer in my ear, and I remember immediately snapping, "NO! To yourself!! NOT OUT LOUD!" hahaha, my sweet husband probably just smiled at me (I wouldn't know because I had my eyes closed for like 2 hours straight during the contractions), and continued to pray for his laboring wife. It just seemed that my senses were heightened and any noises were just unbearable!
At 7 cm, the anesthesiologist finally made it to our room. I was so happy to see her! My epidural definitely did not kick in though like my Dr was expecting, so the anesthesiologist had to keep increasing the dose until finally after about 20 minutes, I no longer felt the intense contractions. I was SOO relieved and remember telling the Dr that even my butt felt numb...random. I felt my personality come back and for about 30 minutes, I was chatty and relaxed. And then, my Dr came in, checked me and it was time to push! So at 4:45pm, I began pushing and my nurse Jill and Bobby encouraged me the whole time, and even though I felt like I was not pushing at all, Lucas was born 13 minutes later! I think he was trying to beat Ava's delivery time of only pushing for 12 minutes! He got close! The rest is history and we are so happy. My ideal delivery basically came true (except the contractions were a little worse than I expected!)- we had a 8lb 1oz baby and I barely had a 1st degree tear! And we had a BOY! Bobby's face was soo adorable when we realized our sweet baby was our new son LUCAS!

Before I got all hooked up, Bobby and I took my last preggo belly picture!

40wks and 4 days pregnant!

Our new family...I'm so in love :)
We're going home! All buckled up for his first car ride! Such a cutie :)

Bright eyes!

Ava pretending to sleep with her brother. She has far exceeded my expectations thus far on being a GREAT big sister. She has been way more gentle and patient than I expected. It probably helps that my mom and alex are here to keep her company too.

Happy Anniversary and perhaps Happy Birthday??

2009-06-24T08:49:00.004-05:00

Well, today is Bobby and I's 3rd wedding anniversary...and we think it might also be our new little baby's birthday! I have been having contractions regularly since about 6:30 this morning (it's now 8:45am)- about 3-4 minutes apart. They are still a little short-lasting about 30-45seconds, so we are hoping to labor at home some more before we head across the street to the hospital-Yes we could literally walk there.
It's sooo nice being in the comfort of our own home right now while I get through each contraction. Being here with Bobby and Ava is just wonderful. Ava is being so sweet this morning, and I am cherishing these last few hours with her before we take her to our friend's house- the last time we will all be in our home together just the 3 of us!
I am relieved and nervous that today has finally arrived after so much anticipation- I NEVER expected to go 4 days past my due date! And who knows..could even this be a false alarm? My guess is no because I figure once I get to the hospital and tell them my due date was 4 days ago, I am hoping they don't let me leave!
Ok, that's all for now. These contractions are getting harder to sit through!!!

What We Do Around Here!

2009-06-17T17:09:00.005-05:00

We have had lots of fun enjoying Franklin and Nashville. Bobby had a great idea that I should start posting some of our favorite outings, so when you come visit, we can take you there! (Can you tell I am trying to come up with things to pass the time! Our due date is just 3 days away!)

This past Saturday-just one week shy of my due date (!), we ate breakfast at the Loveless Cafe with our friends Mike and Jen and their little girl Addie. Isn't Addie ADORABLE? Check out that grin! The Loveless Cafe was an old motel that they converted into a restaurant and shops. So cute and really yummy!!

On Sunday, we went to our favorite local park called Crockett Park. Every week, they have live music and people come with chairs and dinner and the kids run around and play. It's WONDERFUL! This week was an Eagle's Tribute Band. We had a great time!Ava & Mommy...39 weeks pregnant!

And well, this is just Ava and Bobby being themselves when they are together: Goofy! Ava put on Daddy's goggles and Daddy put on Ava's "eyes"!

Our Maternity Pictures!

2009-06-14T13:25:00.005-05:00

About 2 weeks ago, our good friend Jamie Wright, a professional photographer, took some maternity/family pictures for us. They turned out so great! We are really grateful to have these beautiful family pictures to place in our home. As usual though, Ava stole the show with her cute little pigtails and charming smile! These are a few of our favorites.

My due date is on Saturday...just 6 days away...but I am secretly hoping to not make it that far, but honestly, deep down I think I will go past my due date...unless I choke down some castor oil! I have had so many woman tell me to just try it. Even one of the nurses at the hospital where we will be delivering the baby told me to. We went there yesterday to tour the labor and delivery ward and as we were leaving she said, "Well just go home and drink some castor oil and we will see you again in a few hours!!" I don't know, I just don't think I can bring myself to do it...at least not today, or tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday :) Since I was induced with Ava, I missed out on the whole laboring at home, timing contractions experience and I kinda want to know what that is like-despite my impatience and temptations by my Dr. to schedule an induction, which is really just easier on their schedule and not necessarily in the best interests of me or baby!

So the wait continues...

Oh, and one more thing, I have the most wonderful and thoughtful husband. It seems as though he is never outdone in generosity, and he is so quick to think of ways to bring joy and help to others. I love him so much. There are many examples I could list, but I will just mention one today:

Yesterday we were preparing dinner for our friends Kristi and Patrick who were coming over with their sweet new baby Gabriel. We were going to grill hamburgers by the pool and then go swimming. Well in the middle of our preparations, I just happened to go outside to my car to get Ava's sippy cup and met a new neighbor that was moving in. He was unloading his U-Haul all by himself and then his wife came down the stairs holding their 7 week old baby. We chatted for a few minutes, and then I came back inside our apartment and mentioned excitedly how I just met our new neighbors that have a little baby boy and an 18mo old little girl- a new playmate for Ava. Immediately Bobby stopped working on the burgers and ran outside to introduce himself and finally after about 20 minutes of wondering what he was doing, I went outside to find that he had finished helping Josh (the husband) completely unload the UHaul! He was all sweaty and tired, but my heart just swelled with love for him by his simple act of not thinking twice about adjusting our plans to help a stranger- strangers who are now our new great friends! They even so kindly gave us a big box of newborn diapers that their little boy had already outgrown! So nice! LeAnn (the wife) and I are really looking forward to spending time together since our 2 children will be so close in age. We laughed about how hopefully our girls will occupy each other, so we can nurse our babies without them climbing all over us! Anyways, just wanted to take a minute to brag on Bobby and share some of what makes him so wonderful as a father and husband. I love you Bobby.

More Pics from our weekend in Atlanta!

2009-06-08T02:08:00.007-05:00

Ohhhh my...First boat ride of the summer May 29...water- still cold. Swimsuit- forgot it. Swim diaper- nah. Go for a swim with Papa?- OF COURSE!!

Ava quickly realized that she did NOT want to be in lake. She was so cute, but so cold! I loved being able to pull her out of the water and cuddle her on the boat. Love it. What you can't see in this picture is my uncle Matt driving the boat trying to get Ava to give us her best rock star face...not too bad!

Ava loves to play dress up with her new headbands- just like Mommy :)

37 weeks. May 31st. Ok, so clearly I must love this yellow shirt, because it seems it is the same one I am wearing in all these recent pictures! And I have a great future brother-in-law...he sure knows how to make a 9mos prego girl feel good! I look small compared to him!

Hahhaa- thanks Tyler :)

Nice. And Alex, doesn't this picture remind you of the one Mom took with her brothers when she was pregnant with one of us? So funny!

Nice "belly button" Tyler. Ava was a bit concerned...

Jesus, Bring the Rain

2009-06-04T20:49:00.002-05:00

After a long and beautifully emotional weekend at home with Victoria's street dedication and high school graduation, God really comforted me with this song. As I listened to the words over and over and over again, I knew this was MY song. No matter what, Christ is always by my side and I beg Him that I will never leave His side despite the pain, despite the days of rain. So I share with you this song that has comforted me so, and inspired me to put together a simple slide show of pictures about Victoria.

PS- One of the most moving experiences of the weekend was when Victoria's high school principle presented my dad with her honorary diploma at the graduation ceremony, and the entire auditorium stood up for several minutes and gave Victoria and my family a standing ovation. Wow. Jesus, Bring the rain. (and the Kleenex!) I love you Victoria.

"I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty"

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony!

2009-05-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

For anyone who would like to come, the ribbon cutting for Victoria's street, "Victoria Lane" is next Friday May 29 at 4pm. The ribbon cutting will take place in front of the Towne Lake Parkway Publix behind Chili's (just park towards the back of the publix parking lot). My family and I would love to share this special moment with those of you who can join us.

Home Bittersweet Home...

2009-05-21T09:43:00.007-05:00

As I type this post, I am sitting at my parent's kitchen table back home in Atlanta, the same table we spent so many hours pouring over all the cards of condolences when Victoria died. I am discovering that the tears flow more freely when I am here and my heart is heavy. This is where we all lived together, and last night Alex and I slept side by side in Victoria's old bed. Ava even joined us early (a little too early!) this morning.

I always look forward to coming home because I miss my family dearly, but it never fails that the tears start to fall during the drive before I even get here. Ohhh I just miss her. And yet, Victoria comforts me like no other sister can: I had about an hour left on my drive home yesterday, and I just started sobbing. My Zune decided to play "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman, and I almost changed it feeling the lump in my throat begin to form, but I didn't. I decided to let the tears come. Within about 20 minutes of this happening, I saw not one, not two, but 3 YELLOW JEEPS in a row- all within about 5 miles! Oh victoria, I said out loud as a most welcomed smile came across my face, and I felt her love and God's love all around me.

You know, when I started this blog, I wasn't really sure of it's purpose, but I figured I would mainly just update every once in a while about our little family in Franklin, but I am finding that this is the place I turn to after talking to Bobby and my family to share my thoughts, feelings, and hard moments about missing my sister. Funny thing is that I feel like a recurring theme is her darn Jeep! I guess I talk about it alot because it is so surreal to me that I see one every day, and I am realizing more and more each day that it is God's special way of consoling me that Victoria is with Him.

Thank you Lord for continuing to shower my family and I with your delicate and tender love. Victoria has been gone from us for almost 5 months, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how intimately you know our hearts for you comfort me at the exact moments when I need You most. Thank you, thank you for letting it be Aunt MaryBeth on the phone just now when she called and not a salesperson, because there was no denying in my voice that I had been crying and she was just the person I needed to share that difficult moment of grieving with. Lord help me to return the love you have given me with a greater love for others and a generous heart so to serve and comfort them in the same way that they have comforted me.

Told You!

2009-05-18T13:11:00.005-05:00

Ok, so today I just had to take a picture to show you all that I really do see a yellow Jeep EVERYDAY! Today was extra special because this one followed me for a couple of miles and kept turning on the same roads as me. I loved every second of it with a bittersweet joy. Finally the driver pulled up next to me and I was able to snap a quick picture on my phone of my jeep for the day :) I love how Victoria is loving me in this way! Because yeah seeing one every once in a while would probably be just because I am paying attention to actually notice them, but considering I have seen one pretty much EVERYDAY since she died, I have to admit there must be a little supernatural love at work here. I miss you Vic.

Hehehe, on another note, this picture is of Ava at Mom's school when we came in town to visit her a while back. I came across it when I was looking through pics on my cell phone. She's already got the mouse figured out and everything! Too funny!

M is for Mother

2009-05-10T11:25:00.003-05:00

M is for Mother A is for Alliteration but M is for MOTHER...

My man makes me married. Marriage means I may multiply : ) Multiplying makes minis (mostly of my man so far). BUT, my children make me a mother. Mothering is mind-boggling, many times manic AND massively magnificent.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all you precious mothers, those with children here and those with children with the Lord. What a day to celebrate and remember... time with our children and time with our mothers.

"And the peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:7

April seems like it flew by, but here are a few pictures from April and May so far! Ava is 21 months old and I am 34 weeks pregnant!! Almost there!

Ava & I at the Nashville Zoo May 8, 2009

Well...Ava discovered Mommy's panty drawer...and thought they made pretty necklaces!

Bobby has begun a new workout program called P90X, so Ava decided to work on her abs too!

Ava, John Paul, and Max- her 2 best buddies!

Lunch break on the lawn at the Franklin Spring Festival!

Double Bummer!

2009-05-03T23:31:00.002-05:00

Well, it was a rainy weekend for us here in Franklin, and I think Bobby and Ava went stir crazy...I was the lucky one to get out of the house not only for a pedicure on Saturday, but also to help host a baby shower for one of my best friends Kristi! It was tons of fun, and I am soo excited for their 1st baby to arrive later this month! It is definitely baby season because I think I can count about 14 beautiful moms who are having babies between now and October!
So the first bummer was that it rained SOO much this weekend and today all we could come up with to do was go to Walmart and sleep! hahaha! Luckily Ava surprised us with a 3 hour nap, so Bobby and I both got some rest which was especially nice for me since I am working tonight.

The double bummer was for the first time with this pregnancy I was asked if I was having twins! Haha! One of my patient's moms asked me! I sweetly replied, "No, but sometimes I feel like it!" which was honestly a lie because I am so grateful for how good I have been feeling even up to this point at 33 weeks!

Today started out a bit stressful because we barely made it on time to Mass this morning at 8:30am and then asked the usher to seat us as close to the front as possible because we are really wanting to keep Ava with us during Mass so we can teach her about Jesus and allow her to see all the beautiful parts of the Mass. We realized that when we sit in the middle or the back, Ava simply sees a sea of people and is more prone to wandering around, fussing, etc, but when we sit right in front, she is able to see the priest, the altar servers, the crucifix, etc and pays a little bit more attention as we whisper in her ear how much Jesus loves her and we point to Him on the cross. Well, this morning didn't go so well and she was so unsettled and kept pulling EVERYTHING out of my purse searching for "eat, eat" aka snacks...Bobby is so patient with her and kept "barracading" her in our pew with his leg, but I was feeling the tension rise in me, and I hated that because I love going to Church and seeking that time of prayer and peace...not so easy with missy Ava! But I pray that the effort we are making to have her there with us adds to the graces received and I know it definitely increases my patience and helps me with my humility...
The day ended well because Bobby and I are always making bets for different things and tonight I won a foot massage! hehehe! A little "obsession" of Bobby's is timing EVERYTHING- especially stop lights- so today on our way home from WalMart, we made a bet of how much time we would spend waiting at red lights before we got home. My guess was 1 min. and 10 seconds- he guessed 2 min and 20 seconds! The total time was 1 min and 2 seconds, so I won! Oh the little joys in our life- especially on a rainy day :)

Victoria Lane

2009-04-29T19:29:00.002-05:00

The vote passed! Victoria now has her very own street named after her! "Victoria Lane" Love it! Also, please keep my parents in your prayers. My mom will be speaking at Woodstock High school's (where my sisters and I all went to high school and my mom teaches there) Ghost OUt this Friday. It is going to be so hard, but I know my mom will do a beautiful job.

Victoria

2009-04-27T03:01:00.003-05:00

I love how God continues to offer me little consolations every day of His love for me, my family, and sweet (and now, quite funny) Victoria even in her death. In the past month, ALOT has transpired regarding Victoria and remembering her in unique and special ways. Each event has brought mixed emotions- a few bring me laughter and some bring me uncertainty. I'll start with the funny ones.

-EVERY SINGLE DAY (except for maybe twice) I have seen at least one bright yellow Jeep wrangler at some point during the day. EVERY DAY. For those of you who don't know, my parents bought Vic a yellow Jeep Wrangler at the beginning of her senior year. It became her hallmark. EVERYONE knew Vic and her yellow Jeep. She LOVED her Jeep and was VERY protective of it- I secretly drove it once when she was out of town :) Unfortunately, her Jeep didn't survive the accident either, but I don't think we would have kept it regardless. Anyways, most days, spotting my yellow jeep for the day brings me a smile and warmth as I know that it is just a little bit of Vic sharing her love with me. And some days, I find my eyes burning with tears like now as I type this because I know that it is not her driving that darn Jeep. I was sharing this story with a dear friend of mine Kristi and she made me feel so good because she said that spotting a yellow Jeep every day is truly just for me because she almost never sees them. It just reaffirmed in my heart that Victoria is present in my life just as much as before- just in a different way now. And it makes me laugh too because it is SOO like Vic to be present to me by flashing a yellow Jeep in my daily life!

-Before getting her license, Vic rode her bike EVERYWHERE! She even rode her bike from my parent's neighborhood Deer Run all the way to Bobby and I's house in Eagle Glen when we used to live there (which is pretty far on a busy road!). Anyways, a close friend of our family Mr. Donnie/neighbor/mayor of Woodstock is holding a vote tonight to name the small road behind the CVS pharmacy & QT and next to La Parilla (her fav restaurant) "Victoria Lane" in her memory!! I love it! I know this must bring her a HUGE smile because she definitely rode many miles along this little road! Plus, this road connects all her "hot spots"- last minute trips to CVS for gum, school supplies, daily QT coffee, and weekly dinners at La Parilla with friends and family! I am curious to find out how many people show up to participate in this vote- I wish I could be there!

-Mass offerings- for the past 2 Sundays, our church St. Michael's has celebrated both Life Teen Masses at 5:30 for Victoria. How beautiful to continue to be surrounded by so much prayer for her and our family. We continue to be sustained by prayer.

-Seventeen Magazine winner Taylor Thompson. This awesome classmate of Victoria's was inspired after her death to enter a Seventeen magazine contest about safe teen driving in honor of Victoria. Well, she WON the entire contest! http://www.seventeen.com/fun-stuff/17-buzz/keep-the-drive-winner ; http://www.cherokeetribune.com/content/index/showcontentitem/area/7/section/24/item/128122.html

-Ghost Out- This is one that I have mixed feelings about. Every year, all the local high schools hold an event called Ghost Out. I personally never went to it when I was in high school (not sure why...??) so I don't know exactly everything that goes on, but basically, the event is held right before Prom to promote safe driving. Well, this year my family has been asked to speak at the Ghost Out for Woodstock and Etowah High schools about Victoria's accident and a new theme is added this year-don't text while driving- it played a part in Vic's accident. One thing that has been asked of us is to allow a picture of her Jeep to be blown up and shown to the students. I don't know, but my gut says No. I just have mixed feelings about it. I miss Victoria so much, and I want her friends to remember Vic smiling joyfully in her bright yellow Jeep, rather than being exposed to an image of her smashed up Jeep the night she was killed.

I wish I had a pic of her and her Jeep to post here...I will have to search for one to add later.
Thank you Lord for the gift of Victoria in my life. I know sometimes I try to forgot that she is gone, but thank you for being so delicate with me when I have to remember. You love me in the small details, which are treasured gifts I hold close to my heart. I love you Victoria.

Easter Pics!

2009-04-25T17:42:00.006-05:00

Easter 2009!

On Saturday night, we went to Bobby's parent's

house and painted our Easter eggs! The bottom yellow one is supposed to say "Baby" :) for Ava's little brother or sister.

Ava & Mommy! 31 weeks and counting!!

While Bobby and my Dad were at the house hiding all the Easter eggs, Ava and I took Max (my parent's dog) on a MUCH TOO LONG walk....By the end of it, I was pushing an empty stroller, Ava was walking the wrong way home, and dragging Max behind! But be

fore all that, I did manage to capture this precious pic of Ava and her new pigtails!

Ava's 1st ever Easter Egg Hunt! She LOVED it!

Fillin' up her basket one speckled egg at a time!

4 More Hours to Go....

2009-04-14T03:23:00.002-05:00

Oh man, I am at work right now, it's 3:23am, and I still have 4 more hours to go till it's time to drive home sweet home! All my little patients are sleeping, which I guess is why I have time to type this post! I just finished emailing my all time FAVORITE teacher Mrs. Freund from elementary school whom Alex bumped into over the weekend while we were all home for Easter. It's interesting to see what highlights/memories come up in your life via email when you are trying to catch someone up over the past 3 years of your life- mine were moving to Frankin, Bobby, Ava, and Victoria.
Going home for Easter was wonderful! I can't WAIT to post pictures from Ava's 1st Easter Egg Hunt. Easter Sunday was a joyous day for all of us- we truly felt Victoria's warmth all around us as we reflected on the joy of the day-of Christ's resurrection and the eternal hope that His resurrection gives us- in a deeper, more profound way than ever now that we anxiously await drawing close to Victoria again someday! Dad even kept to tradition and Alex and I hunted down Easter eggs together in a race to find the "Golden Egg"...which had $20 inside! Despite getting hip blasted into the side of the house, I still lost and Alex found the Golden Egg first...hehehe...oh funny memories! My poor pregnant belly got smushed up against the house as Alex playfully shoved me aside to reach the egg before I could! We just laughed and laughed and it felt good. Ava quickly caught on and LOVED looking for her "eggies" and placing them in the basket! Funny story: most of Ava's eggs were simply laying in the grass or on top of plants where she could easily reach them and see them. This was NOT the case with Alex and I's eggs. Bobby and my dad BURIED several of them inside potted plants around the house outside, in car mufflers, inside electrical boxes, under rocks, etc. Well I guess Ava was watching us dig through dirt to find eggs, because once we got inside, I heard my mom and Alex laughing hysterically saying, "Katherine! Come see what Ava just did!", so I ran into the family room where they were and saw the following: dirt everywhere, a plant laying on the ground, and an empty pot! Ava had walked over to one of my mom's indoor small potted plants, grabbed the plant, and lifted it right out of the planter-dirt, roots and everything- and threw it on the floor looking for an easter egg!!! Again, we just laughed and laughed and loved every minute of it! Little Ava brings us so much joy!

Ohhh my poor brain!

2009-04-08T02:44:00.005-05:00

Hehehe, I cannot stop laughing about this one! Here is a line from an email I sent recently to a friend regarding some dates for a dinner. She sent it back to me with a chuckle.."Hey Kristi, the 20st & 21nd work best for us bc I have to work on Wed night the 22rd" Take a close look at the dates...HAHA! Pregnancy brain?? Seriously???
I showed it to Bobby, and he simply said, "Ohh babe..." :)
My mom and Alex were just in town over the weekend and we had a great visit, but it went by WAYY too fast! My mom pulled a classic Amy Heil though because within 3 hours of her visit, she had rearranged our entire apartment (at least told me what to do, but we didn't actually move any furniture- lucky for Bobby!), made a plan for when Ava should move to her big girl bed, and not only diagnosed, but prescribed treatment for Ava's ezcema! Hehehe, which is why I LOVE my mom. She loves to love me and continues to take care of me any way that she can. I love you Mom, even when you drive me crazy :)
We spent Saturday out and about in Franklin playing and shopping, but my body was really telling me to slow down that day. I think I was having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions and some pressure. One thing that has been different with this pregnancy is that my tummy feels SOO heavy at times. Bobby has been noticing me walking around in the evenings lately with my arms around my belly as if I am trying to hold it up. I guess my stomach muscles are just not as firm this time around..no surprises there! haha. I have been able to work out fairly regularly on an elliptical machine for about 30-40 minutes at our YMCA up until today. I got on the machine today and only lasted about 3 minutes before my tummy felt so heavy and I had alot of pressure. Reluctantly (NOT!), I got off the elliptical and just walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes instead. Much easier and less pressure.
One of my new fav things about working out at the Y and using the nursery for Ava is that I bring all my toiletries there, shower and get ready for the day- hair, makeup, etc- all while Ava is enjoying herself in the nursery and I can get ready at my own pace in peace! My mom suggested this to me, and I am so glad she did because I have a feeling that there will be days after our new little baby-to-be is here that I will take them to the YMCA nursery JUST so I can shower for the day! hahaha!
This week is Holy Week, and I pray that I can live this week united with Christ as He prepares to suffer and die on the cross out of love for us. Lent has gone by so quickly, and my goal this week is to slow down and spend some quiet moments in prayer as we prepare to live Christ's passion, death, and resurrection with Him. I pray that I can remember to unite any sufferings I may endure to His most merciful heart. Bobby and I are really anticipating starting the Divine Mercy novena on Friday. My special intention is for sweet Victoria. I love you Vic. ps I secretly would love to have a baby girl just so we can name her after you! Addison Victoria. Thinking of you always.

MICKEEEEEEEYYYY!

2009-03-25T02:05:00.002-05:00

WE LOVE DISNEY! What a wonderful trip it was! I could not have survived being 6 and a half months pregnant and chasing after a 20 mo. old baby girl without Lindsey and Katie! We laughed together as we commented that we were the epitome of teamwork because every bus ride, carousel ride, Disney show, etc required fast hands and smiling faces as we would quickly pull Ava out of the stroller, gather our belongings and collapse the stroller within seconds! Katie and Lindsey became Pros at working her stroller! hahaha!
I would have to say that Ava's favorite part of the whole trip was her beloved balloon. Oh, she was soo cute with that balloon. I got it for her ($10!) on Saturday afternoon as we arrived to Magic Kingdom and I would say that she pretty much only let go of it willingly for her carousel ride! We have great pics of her napping in her stroller with her "nigh nigh" bear in one hand and her balloon in the other! We had the joy of giving it away to another little girl on Sunday afternoon while Ava was napping and had momentarily let go of it in her sleep. I wish we could have taken it home on the airplane as the ULTIMATE souvenir, but we just couldn't. She woke up from her nap and luckily didn't remember it...until we saw another one as we were leaving the hotel...immediately she cried, "ballooooon!!"...Lindsey, Katie, and I looked at each other like, "uh-oh..." but fortunately she got distracted by something else quickly after.
I am so grateful for Lindsey and Katie because they captured some GREAT pics of all of us at Disney-especially Ava! I hope to post them soon! It was so wonderful to spend time with my best girlfriends, and I was so happy that we had Ava with us. At one point I considered leaving her at home with Bobby, because we each miss her so much when she is away from either of us, but I knew I just couldn't let her miss out on this Disney trip!

Baby #2 Update: I am 27 wks pregnant, so by the weekend I will officially be 7 months pregnant! I am getting more anxious by the week to hold our new tiny baby. Ava seems to LOVE babies and gets so excited to see them in person or on TV...I just have not been able to tell how much she will love them in Mommy or Daddy's arms...we might need to practice that in the next few months which shouldn't be too hard since 4 of my girlfriends are having babies between now and May! One thing that has been a little different lately is my abdomen is really tender in certain areas-mainly toward the left side by my belly button. I notice the baby kicking there often, so I wonder if I am just sore from all the soccer kicks I am receiving to that area! haha!

Life update: I love BObby :) I am at work right now and it's 2:45 am, and I am just reflecting over all the fun we have had together as a family these past few days, and it just makes me realize what a wonderful man, father, and husband he is. He is so fulfilled by being the provider and protector for Ava and I. He is SOO loving and gracious in the way he loves us. Bobby and I gave a talk this past weekend for a Three to GEt Married engaged couples retreat, and we gave it together, but I was so proud standing next to my husband watching him speak about "The Early Years of Marriage"-that was the topic of our talk. We shared all about our ups and downs in our first 2.5 yrs of being married, and we realized that we have learned ALOT! From how to share our beloved oatmeal cookies to which way we will hang our towels in the bathroom! Hehehe! The past few days have been so beautiful and warm outside, so we have had 2 picnics, 2 bike rides (Bobby took Ava on a special daddy-daughter bike ride tonight just the 2 of them after I left for work :) ), and a swim in the indoor pool at the YMCA...and oh my gosh, Ava is a fish! Bobby and I laughed out loud as we tried to keep our arms around Ava- I swear she thinks she can already swim! It was all we could do to hold her because she kept trying to wiggle out of our arms! We quickly decided that next time we will definitely have little floaties for her arms at least!

Our Growing Family!

2009-03-10T10:30:00.010-05:00

Oops! So I started this blog almost one year ago, but never kept up with it! I am going to try again as a way to keep in touch with my family especially now that we have moved away. Just a quick update: In August 2008, Bobby and I and Ava, too of course, left our hometowns in Woodstock, GA and moved our family to Franklin, TN to pursue a job opportunity for Bobby working with Dave Ramsey, "the Financial Guy". We could not be happier here! We miss our families back in GA so much, but truly feel like this is where God wants us for now as we build our own family together.

In October, we found out that we are expecting baby #2! I am due June 20, 2009-just 4 days before our 3rd wedding anniversary. Ava will turn 2 in July, so the babies will be about 23 months apart. Perfect!

On December 28, 2008, I lost my precious baby sister Victoria. She was 18 years old and a senior in high school. I would say that she HAD so much to offer the world, except that she IS still offering herself each and everyday as a reminder of how to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! My parents, Alex, and I experience the loss of Victoria every day, but we live with hope that we will be with her again. We are sustained by our Catholic faith along with everyone's prayers for Victoria and our family. Our memories of Victoria comfort us and bring us a healthy mix of laughter and tears. It is incredible to see how her short life left such a lasting impact on the

hearts of so many others. Her funeral alone was an amazing witness to the life she lived. As a family, we sat among 1500+ friends and family all gathered together to celebrate her life. Fr. Larry, our parish priest, said he has NEVER EVER seen our church St. Michael's so full! It was so humbling to be surrounded by so much love for my sister and family. I miss Victoria every day, but am grateful for the gift that she has given me to live for eternity with every moment so that I can be with her again someday.

This picture was taken about 1 week before her car accident.

And now to today. Ava is napping, I am still in my PJ's (hehe), and am loving being able to open our windows finally as the warm weather is beginning to show...at least for today! Ava and I are leaving on Thursday to head to Atlanta to go to Disney World with my 2 best girlfriends Lindsey and Katie! I have not been to Disney since I was about 12, so I am really excited to spend this time with my girlfriends. I think Ava is going to love it! I am a bit nervous about the plane ride, but luckily I will be bringing Elmo along...my parents gave Bobby and I a portable DVD player for Christmas for when we travel, and it has been a great way to keep Ava happy in the car...so I am hoping I have just as much luck with it on the plane! The only minor problem is that the ONLY dvd that she likes is this Sesame Street one from like the early 90's that is only 25 minutes long....so needless to say, it repeats about 2-3 times before we just can't take it anymore! Hahaha! I wonder if Ava would keep headphones on....??

Anyways, we are going to miss Bobby so much, but luckily Ava loves talking to him on the phone. "Daddeeee!" she always gleefully says whenever she sees my cell phone! I love it.

Well, I am going to take advantage of the rest of naptime to get some things done around the apartment. If I can figure it out, I will try to post a really funny video of Ava from dinner a few weeks ago. We went to a Mexican restaurant and well, she started playing with a cup of water...I apparently thought it was HILARIOUS, but I can't tell if our "neighbors" behind us were so thrilled. Not sure if they got "blessed" or not! Hehehe.

I finally did it!

2008-06-02T23:54:00.000-05:00

Finally! I have been meaning to/thinking about/trying to/working on setting up a family website for a LONG time! But with little Ava (now 10months old!) using my legs as monkey bars to crawl and walk around, it's just too much fun to play along with her and forget about setting this website up! And it actually is 1am right now, so I will finish this inaugural post later! good night!